Secret Video Files Of ITACHI
by Blood Rain Falling
Summary: Itachi has a new camera and his making his biography. Follow Itachi through his life like you have never seen before. You've never seen a crack fic like this. definitely out of character and definitely crazy. Not even the characters take this story seriously so come in and have a laugh.
1. First Day Of Recording: Shisui's Death

**Bored. If people like it I'll keep going. So review gives alternate perspective.**

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"How the fuck does this thing work" murmured Itachi as he read the directions. He was so into reading he didn't even hear his room door open.

"Oniisan!"

Itachi nearly dropped his new camera.

'Little bastard!' he thought.

"What is it..Sasuke" he said through gritted teeth. He looked at his little brother who was staring at his feet.

"I was wandering if you were going to help me with my training today" he asked. Itachi sighed.

"I'm a little busy today" he said holding up the camera.

"Ooo what do plan to do with that?"

"I'm making a video autobiography about my life" said Itachi with a grin. "So future Uchiha's can come back and watch it and go "Wasn't Itachi the coolest" or be in complete amazment at my abilities"

"I think you think to much of yourself oniisan" said Sasuke. Itachi's eye's bugged out.

"Shut up" he said.

"HEY THE LIGHTS ON" yelled Sasuke pointing at the red light.

"No shit" said Itachi sarcastically and pressing the red button to turn it off.

"You never swear infront of our ryooshin, only me" said Sasuke questioningly "Why?"

Itachi sighed.

"I'm sure your mature enough to swear Sasuke. Your how old now?"

"8"

"Exactly. I've been swearing since I was like...5 maybe"

"WHAT WAS THAT" yelled their mother.

"Nothing okaasan" yelled Itachi nervously.

"That's what I thought!"

Itachi sighed again. He opened the camera and put in a tape. He pushed the side in but it popped back out. He tried again getting the same result. He tried again and again until he seethed with frustration. The definition of insanity flashed in his brain. He paused and cooled down. He took the tape out and turned it around. It went in and stayed in.

'Booya bitch' thought Itachi with a huge grin.

"Let's go test this baby out."

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"Shisui-san set up the tripod over here" said Itachi as he called his friend over. Shisui Uchiha set up the tripod where Itachi was standing and Itachi put the camera on it.

"Ok we're going to tape ourselves sparing and see how good the camera keeps up" said Itachi smirking. Shisui nodded and backed up to where he was on the camera's border.

"Good stop" said Itachi when he got there. He hit the record button and ran to his place.

"Ready" asked Shisui "Go"

Shisui ran foward toward Itachi who was yawning. When Shisui was 5 feet way Itachi did a back kick super fast. It caught Shisui in the neck and hurled him into the Nakano river. Itachi ran over to help up his friend when he noticed Shisui wasn't moving or breathing. Itachi dragged him on an embankment and checked his pulse. That to was missing. Standing up very straight and stoicly, looking at the camera and back to the body. Itachi kicked it into the river and ran for the camera. When he was closer it caught him saying.

"Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck"

It was picked up and carried off then switched off as Itachi ran home.

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Itachi sat in a chair in his room in the fetal position.

"I'm so fucked!"


	2. Itachi A GoGo

_Knock knock_

"SHIT!"

Itachi dove into his closet and shut it.

"Get out I'm hiding here!" said a low voice. Itachi looked to his right and saw two eye's staring at him. A light shown in and revealed Orochimaru, who had a big smile, and was waving.

"HIIIII" he said. Itachi's bedroom door flew open and Sasuke ran in.

"PERFECT" Orochimaru whispered. "Go to your brother and let me watch you two"

"EEEWWW" yelled Itachi as he ran through the closet door that was made of paper.

"Look what you did, oniisan. Okaasan's going to be pissed you broke your closet again" said Sasuke. Itachi picked up and Sasuke and carried from the sight of Orochimaru. Orochimaru crawled out of the closet and sighed.

"Well, Neji-kun, tonight's your lucky night...again" he said with his head down, with that he disappeared into a puff of smoke.

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Itachi set Sasuke down by the back door, and was out of breath.

'Damn pedo-jackson-phile' he said 'If I ever catch him in there again I swear I'll give him to a girl. Mwhaa. Why does that make me feel depressed? I need to get some'

"What's wrong" asked Sasuke. Itachi knew he could trust his brother so he did the only thing he could do. Lie.

"Well, yeah I'm having a bit of an issue with the...reception from the satallite for the T.V. in the garage, soooo if anyone comes looking for me, say police. Tell them I'm stealing cable but don't tell them where I am. I'm avoiding people for the next few-"

There was a knock at the door and Itachi opened it immediatly with a smile.

"Hellooooo..." his voice faded away as 3 very angry faces where looking at him.

'FUCK' he yelled in his head. He wanted to rip his hair out and make incoherent noises, but that would just prove he's guilty right?

"What's up" asked Itachi trying to hide a shaky voice.

"We had two men miss last night's meeting"

"Where were you?"

Itachi knew exactly where the fuck he was. In the fetal position saying I'm so fucked over and over again.

"I was sick" he said then he made a couple of fake coughs.

"Also the body of Uchiha Shisui was found in the river. Care to explain that"

"No...I had no idea" said Itachi with a shocked voice.

"We assume a suicide at the moment because of this note in his handwritting"

The man handed Itachi the note and looked at it. He wrote it down maybe to draw attention away from himself. Itachi heard Shisui's voice read the note. It was all spooky

_I, Shisui do take you to be my lawful wedded...damn this is in pen. I, Shisui do rid my self of "the path" of the Uchiha and whatever...with my death, I wont have to do stuff I don't want to. Like take out the trash and empty the dishwasher._

Itachi looked up at the three men who looked pale.

"Did you hear that" they whispered. Itachi nodded but he quickly changed the topic.

"So you think I killed him?"

"Absolutely, see look at this picture"

the third man raised a picture to Itachi's face, it was Shisui's body and there was a shoe print on his face. With the words _Itachi a Go-go _imprinted on his neck.

'Heh, oops'

"Your on thin ice mister, one false step and CRASH into the water" said the second man. He snapped his fingers infront of Itachi's face and they turned to leave. Itachi couldn't contain himself. He flashed his shiny teeth at Sasuke.

"SO BRIGHT" he screamed as he fell unconcious by the shinyness. He jumped out of the house and beat the living shit out of the 3 men.

"ITACHI WHAT ARE YOU DOING" came a great voice.

"Nothing Okiisan, I'm...practicing" said Itachi with a smile.

"Oh? Carry on"

"Yes sir" said Itachi smiling evily as his father walked away. He grabbed the first man by the hair and lifted his head up.

"You will leave here and never accuse me again...or I will kill someone" said Itachi.

'Makes me feel kinda cool saying trivial shit like that' thought Itachi.

"Now get outa here" he said punting the man over the wall.


	3. And So! The Swords In The Other Kidney

Itachi recorded himself throwing his shoes in the fire.

"Those were my most comfortable shoes" he said letting the tears fall.

"Then why are you burning them" asked Sasuke sitting by his side.

"Because they're incriminating" said Itachi

"What's incriminating?"

Itachi thought on this and decided maybe it would be a bad idea not to tell Sasuke.

"It's that thing where I tell Okaasan that you have Icha Icha under your bed" said Itachi. Sasuke's eye's widened

"I don't have that under my-"

Itachi took out his copy and threw it through Sasuke's window.

"You do now" said Itachi smirking. Sasuke let out a small whine and ran into the home.

"hehe sucker"

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Itachi poked the camera around the corner and saw his father.

"Oh my god look at this baka" he said softly. His father was trying to stab a straw into an orange.

"GOD DAMN IT" he yelled. "If the little girl can do this in the Tropicana commercial then damn it, an Uchiha can. The bitch makes it look so easy"

'This makes me embarassed to be a Uchiha' thought Itachi. Then he got a fucking brilliant idea. He pulled camera back and looked into it.

"This is Uchiha Itachi and I feel like kicking my dad's ass all day today" he said. He ran in holding the camera and started hitting his dad.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING" he yelled. Itachi just kept hitting him then he ran out of the room, laughing.

"WHAT THE HELL!"

**Later that night**

"Ok this is pretty dumb and dangerous, but in the hands of a perfessional like, it will be fucking hilarious" said Itachi into the video camera. He set it up on the tripod right outside the room both his parents were in. He flung open the door and ran in with a sword. He was right, it was pretty damn stupid. He turned the sword on it's side and hit his mom and dad. Not only is it stupid, but who the hell is going to fucking hit their parents without getting their ass kicked? But any way's. Itachi pulled the sword away, laughing again. But it soon faded when he saw blood fall from the sword. He looked down and saw his mother and fasha blood soaked.

"DAMN IT, I TURNED THE SWORD THE WRONG WAY" he looked out the window and saw 2 more dead bodies. "AGAIN"

He walked carefully towards his camera and all he could think was that he would have to burn another pair of shoes. When he grabbed the camera he heard the front door open and close.

'Your shitting me' he thought. He pulled the camera into his parents room and set it up in the corner, forgetting to hit the stop button. Itachi started to pace around the room thinking how to get out of this mess. Suddenly the door shot up and Sasuke stood in the room.

"Oniisan?"

"Yeah...this was a total accident" said Itachi smiling.

"ACCIDENT!? IT DON'T LOOK LIKE AN ACCIDENT!"

Itachi knew the truth wasn't going to work so he switched to plan Q. And he had gone through plans B-uh...abcdefghijklmnopq. Plans B-P which in his mind was labeled panic. It also made him smile because plans B-P became BP like the gas station.

'I want to go get like a pizza now' he thought. His mouth started to water.

'No! must do this first!'

"Sasuke, look into my eye's" he said very mysteriously. Sasuke leaned in and saw them change to Mangekyo.

"Pretty" said Sasuke.

"Yes yes they are but keep looking don't look away" Itachi said moving closer to Sasuke. He was inches from Sasuke's face when he screamed incoherently. Sasuke grabbed his chest and fell to the floor twitching and drooling.

"I guess screaming like a freak really helps...Awsome!" he said giving the thumbs up to the camera. "I can get out of anything-"

There was a small snap outside the window of the room, Itachi quickly glanced to it and saw a man looking in at him.

"FREEZE" he yelled

"I DIDN'T DO IT" screamed Itachi and dove for the camera. "And now for my epic escape"

He ran for the door but he didn't see Sasuke's foot hidden in a shadow. Itachi tripped over it and face planted through the paper door.

"FUCK" he yelled and stood up. But he was surrounded by 6 men. They weren't Uchiha's but ANBU.

"Uh..." said Itachi.

"Care to explain yourself, Uchiha" said the one with a dog mask infront of him.

"Yes...I...Um...ABBLASCRABBLEPUMPKINPIE" he screamed incoherently. Suddenly the anbu started to foam at the mouth and they collapsed on the floor shaking.

"That was a lame ass escape" he said switching the camera off. That night Itachi ran off from his home to his grandmothers, where he would get some cookies and temporary sanctuary, but he mostly went for cookies. But before he left he wanted to show Konoha he wasn't fucking around. He robbed a BP station for pizza and taco's.


	4. I Think I Just Nutted?

Sorry I haven't updated, i've been busy...doing shit. And trying to think of more funny stuff. So here's this chapter...review or Orochimaru will do something to your little sister tonight...I mean brother.

Itachi wandered through the woods feeling a bit akward. Yeah he just killed his entire clan and robbed a gas station. But the pizza and taco's didn't take away the guilt he felt.

'If only sensei was here. He'd know what to do...if he was in stupid mode' thought Itachi. He took out a sack and put his hands inside extracting a fresh chocolate cookie. Suddenly he stopped and looked around rapidly, 'Why does it feel like I'm being watched...by pedophilia?'

"SHIT" he yelled when he came to the realization who it was. He started to run but he dropped the sack of cookies when he heard pedo laughter. Itachi came to a stop 5 feet away from the bag and stared at it.

'Ok, I want to go back but...Orochimaru is there...' he started to inch slower then ever to the bag when a white hand snatched it up. Itachi felt anger like never before as this snake dude was about to munch on HIS cookies.

"UNHAND THAT FIEND" yelled Itachi as he ran forward. Quickly Orochimaru put his hand into the bag and pulled out a cookie, "Hold it sexy"

Itachi's eye's widened with anger but he stopped when the innocent morsol was in danger, "Give it back!"

Orochimaru put a finger to his mouth as if to think about it but shook his head putting the cookie closer to his/her mabye's mouth. Itachi started to panic, "What do you want?!"

"You" said Orochimaru.

"Never!"

"To come with me" he added. Itachi exhaled and calmed down slightly.

"Where?" asked Itachi.

"To the hide out"

"Gross, is that like the place where you rape children?" Itachi asked holding back bile in case he said yes.

"No, the place I rape kids is called Chucky Cheese" said Orochimaru like it was an obvious thing. Itachi pictured the fun place but now it seem...tainted.

'Note to self. Don't play in the ball pit anymore' he thought but quickly turned his attention back to Oro.

"What's at this hide out?"

"Well, since you are now an official rogue nin from Konoha, you can join my little club" said Orochimaru with smile. "But you have to do something for me"

"I will never touch a child in that way"

"SHUT UP, I'M TRYING TO BE FUCKING SERIOUS" yelled Orochimaru. "We are called Akatsuki...(DA DA DAAA) and we need strong ninja's like yourself"

"I don't know" said Itachi. But Orochimaru predicted and had taken the precaustions and leverage, "I'll give your cookies back"

"Done!" said Itachi. He disappeared and suddenly the bag in Oro's hand disappeared. Itachi reappeared on a tree branch munching on a cookie, "So! Where's this cookie filled hide out?"

"I didn't say there would be cookies there" said Orochimaru

"Do you want me to go?"

"Yes!"

"Then is there cookies...and ice cream"

"...uh...somedays"

"Count me in" said Itachi with a grin.

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For Itachi they seemed to walk for hours, it had only been about 30 minutes, but walking with Orochimaru was...well, not wanted. So he pulled his video camera, hit record, and shoved it in the white man's face, "Any wise words for the kids at home...other than watch your ass"

Orochimaru frowned and put his hand over the lens and pulled the camera down, "If you don't put that thing away, I'll have my snakes feast on your _Go-Go _shoes and your cookies!"

"Your not that fucking serious are you?...So when you rape kids-"

"WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP" yelled Orochimaru grabbing him by his shirt collar. All Itachi could do is think, 'Ew it's touching me, I'm going to have to disinfect this shirt and- wait woah. If he tries to like kiss me like this I will burn his ass'

Orochimaru dropped him and continued ahead leaving Itachi to disinfect his shirt with lysol. He sprayed himself while walking next to the snake sannin.

"We here" said Orochimaru. Itachi looked around but found nothing hidden. There wasn't any genjutsu, or foliage for that matter. Just a tree. Itachi curiously looked up into the tree and instantly cursed, "This is your hideout?! It's a tree house that has a sign saying _No Girls Allowed_, but I can see through the hole in their floor, our ceiling that there is a blond wearing a thong!"

"Um, there's only one girl, but with blue hair..." said Orochimaru. Itachi pointed up and followed his finger back through the hole, only to find that the blond was indeed a dude...in a thong.

"This place is sick...are you sure it isn't Chucky Cheese" asked Itachi. Orochimaru walked to his position and looked up, the blood rushed to his face giving it color for the first time in 20 years, slowly the blood started to leak from his nose, "I think I just nutted"

Itachi sweatdropped, "I'm sure you did..."

"Can I borrow your camera-"

"NO! Your not tainting my shit with your...what ever the fuck you call what you do" yelled Itachi and crawled up a rope ladder. Orochimaru was furious with him but he couldn't take his eye's of the specticle that Deidara was giving him.

Itachi slammed open the trapdoor at the bottom of the tree house and climbed inside, barely having time to react to a huge ass zanbatou (Sorry if not spelled right) head for his face. He leaned back and kicked the wielder's hands sending the blade flying at a table with more people sitting at it. Itachi looked up and saw his attacker was a blue man and he was mummbling, "There's no way that's gonna hit him" But sure enough it did, the people at the table ducked and the hild slammed into the oddly colored face of a plant man, A.K.A Zetsu. He was now holding where his nose would be and glaring at Blue...Kisame.

"Kisame, I'm going to fucking kill you..." he said picking up a salad fork. The man at the head of the table with peircing's all over his face sighed, "Easy...I dont want sushi tomorrow. You know that's Friday and I hate sushi. Zetsu, finish your salad before you leave the table" he said.

"Your a sick individual" said Zetsu before sitting back down at the table. The man with the peircings smirked, "That's why I'm the leader"

The was a sudden slam and Itachi felt hands wrapping around his waist. He insintivly slammed his elbow back only to have it stick to Orochimaru's lower abdomen. He instantly knew what the sticky substance was, "If you touch me ever again, I'll give you an excuse to fuck boys" said Itachi as his hands rose to one of his swords. The hands instantly moved away and Orochimaru moved passed him to the table, "I give you the knew addiction-I mean addition of the Akatsuki...Uchiha Itachi"

All heads turned to him and he slightly waved his hands "Uh...Hi?"


	5. Wait? Why does Kisame get a flashback?

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"Ok people" said Pein standing up at the table. "Today we put are plans into action!"

"What plan?"

"Shut up Hidan" shouted Pein. Hidan looked at the floor and sniffled, "But-"

"No buts!"

"Why" asked Orochimaru. Itachi shook his head and looked at Orochimaru, "Because we're all over 16 here, you should have no intrest in our buts."

"I'd still take your ass anyday Itachi-kun" said Orochimaru. Itachi visibly shuddered and crawled into a fetal position in his chair, using visual katon jutsu's to burn minimal parts of his brain to rid himself of the "Evil Thought's"

"Anyway" said Pein as stoicly as he could. "As...you all know-"

"I don't"

"Didn't I just tell you to shut the fuck up Hidan!" Hidan again looked at the floor and said nothing, letting Pein get on with his rambling. "As you all kn- fuck it. We're going to catch all the jinchuuriki, correct?"

"Hai Pein-sama" they chorused. Pein smirked and nodded his head, "I've been doing some research into the matter and discovered something disturbing"

At this all the members of Akatsuki leanded forward across the table, waiting to here this information.

"That if we attack now while they are young and defensless it will show that the Akatsuki are baby killers. And we can't have that kind of reputation. So we have to wait til their older and prove more of a nuisence"

"I can do it" said Orochimaru. "I got no problem killing baby's"

"They'll want to die after you fuck them" said Itachi. Everyone was silent for a second, "Touche" said Orochimaru. Pein rolled his eye's and sat back into his chair. "Until they are old enough we must train, but for tonight, pack it in!"

The members got up from their chairs and crawled into sleeping bags located in various places inside the tree house. Only Itachi stayed in his seat.

"Aren't you going to sleep" asked Kisame as he stretched. Itachi nodded, "I prefer to keep my ass blocked if you know what I mean" he said shaking his head towards Orochimaru.

"Man up, he'll get you eventually" said Kisame.

"He will never get me! He may get my brother but he will never get me! Never!" he shouted before a sythe cut his arm.

"I suggest staying at an indoor voice or you'll be another sacrifice for Jashin tonight!" said Hidan threateningly.

"Never!" whispered Itachi before curling up in the chair and drifting to sleep.

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_VROOM VROOM VROOOOOOOOMMMMM_

"OH SHIT! BROTHER!"

Itachi jerked up from his sleep and looked around. Everyone was running around with a gaint earthquake happening. Itachi went to stand up but found his back as stiff as a board.

'Note to self never sleep in chair' he thought. He pulled out his camcorder and started to stumble around and film the happening's. Mostly everone was running around in a panic but Zetsu was on his knee's screaming to the heaven's.

"WHY DID YOU TAKE HIM! HE WAS ONLY 150 YEARS OLD, HE STILL HAD ANOTHER GOOD 200!" He fell to his arms and pounded on the wood floor. "WHY, WHY WHY, WHY!?"

Itachi turned the camera and saw Konan shaking Pein violently. "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN SCHEDUALED FOR DEMOLISHON! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US OF THIS"

Itachi was about to ask what was happening when a gaint snap was heard, followed by a very quiet "Oh Shit" from Kisame, as they're tree went tumbling backwards to the ground. Everyone started screaming as it bent backwards and fell. When Itachi woke up from the impact his camera was facing toward him.

'That will be one bitchin shot' he thought as turned the view finder around. It looked good except for Diedara checking his man thong in the corner. Itachi qucikly turned the camera away and stood up. He attached the camera to his side and climbed out of the downed tree.

"Will someone please explain to me why the tree was cut down?" asked Kakuzu. "That tree house cost me, 300 bucks to build"

"Boo hoo" said Sasori as he leaned agaisnt another tree. Kakuzu's eye's widened then turned into a glare, "300 bucks is 300 bucks man. I gotta used it on a hooker or something useful!"

"Yeah, that's the only way your going to get any" said Diedara. Itachi knew this was getting good so he turned on his camera again. Through the viewfinder, Kakuzu had Diedara in the air and using dollars to give him tiny ass papercuts. Zetzu had a shovel and was digging a large hole with a tombstone at the head that read

**Brother 600,223,453,234,453,346.234 V. 2.5**

**You will be missed. Rest in the place that trunks do talk and the twigs fly.**

"It's so beautiful!" screamed Kisame at the base of the tombstone. "So much love for a tree! Reminds me of my mother with all 243 of us"

_Kisame flashback. Brought to your by- DR. OCTOGANAPUS BLAUGH! _

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_...Kidding lol._

_Kisame age 9_

_"Kaasan!" yelled out our lovable little blue tyke Kisame. The shark on the beach turned her head towards the ocean and ignored him. "Why do you do this Kaasan?! Why do you treat me diffrently? So what if I remind you of Tousan!"_

_The shark casually tried to free itself from the sandy shore to return to the sea. _

_"He was the animal lover! Not me" yelled Kisame. The shark tried more frantically to get into the water, it's eye's looked fearful._

_"No Kaasan wait...I'm not going to do what Tousan did. That's nasty...not that your nasty but two diffrent species is akward a bit. I just want to join you and my kind!"_

_Kisame's mother flailed on the beach as Kisame started to cry into his hands. "PLEASE KAASAN! YOUR ALL I HAVE LEFT!"_

_While Kisame was pleading for his mother a ship off shore was sitting in the water...called the Orca. Where the captain stood on it's bow and looking onward with his binoculars. "It's lurking in the waters" he said in a creepy sailor/pirate tone. "The killer shark... Jaws!" _

_"CAPTAIN! OVER THERE! ON THE BEACH!"_

_The captain turned his vision and saw the monster on the beach trying to get into the water. "Not today Bitch. ALRIGHT ME HARDIES. LET'S SHOW HER YOU DON'T MESS WITH PEACEFUL PEOPLE!"_

_The boat was thrown into full speed and it took off down the coast. The captain walked onto the back and grabbed an air tank and hefted it above his head. "FOR FREEDOM!" he screamed with a William Wallace accent and threw the tank onto the shore. It bounced and rolled right next to the sharks head. Startling Kisame making him glance at the boat. _

_"Tousan! What are you-"_

_BOOM_

_Kisame was blasted off his feet and thrown twenty meters down the shoreline. He struggled to his feet to find his father speeding away in his boat and pieces of his mother raining down around him._

_"Who's going to take care of me now?!" he cried. Suddenly the ground around him exploded and he saw a man with four mechanical arms. "Thank you Kami for-"_

_"DR. OCTOGANAPUS!" he yelled then he shot a bright blue beam into Kisame evaporating him from the Jaw's parody world._

_End Kisame flashback._

"I love you Kaasan" cried Kisame.

"And this is the perfect blackmail tape" said Itachi keeping it trained on him. He watched for a few more minutes before he felt a cold hand run up his back. "Oh, my. We seem to have a few minutes to ourselves while Pein and Konan mindlessly murder the lumberjacks. What ever should we do?"

"I could go for some of those cookies you promised me" said Itachi with venom in his tone. Orochimaru smirked and leaned against a tree. "There are no cookies, we're broke after the tree house."

"You lied to me?"

"I'm evil, it's what I do" said Orochimaru.

"No your a pedophile, so in turn it's the same thing. Leading kids with the false hopes of candy so you can...do the nasty with them." said Itachi in a grossed out tone.

"Well, Mr. I know everyting on pedophilia...wait! Why do you know everything on pedophilia?" asked Orochimaru.

"I had to learn to try to keep you away from Sasuke" explained Itachi.

"YOU SPOIL EVERYTHING!" screamed Orochimaru.

"That's my jo-"

"HIDAN! STOP THIS NONSENSE RIGHT NOW" Both Orochimaru and Itachi turned to look at the horrific scene that was before them. Itachi raised the camera to get a better shot of Hidan. Apparently he had been bored and dumb enough to cut off a finger. Then another until the point where he was nothing but parts.

"JASHIN FUCKING DAMNIT! SOMEBODY PLEASE KEEP ME FUCKING ACUPPIED NEXT TIME! EXCEPT OROCHIMARU, YOU STAY THE FUCK AWAY!"

"Dont care cause he's icky" whispered Orochimaru to Itachi.

"This is going to be a long morning" sighed Itachi.

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I Don't own Naruto according that "MYSTERIOUS JAPANESE MAN"

I don't own DR.OCTOGANAPUS just because Dom Fera beat me to it.

It's getting longer now. Tell me what you think so review. Or I'll have Oro fuck ya, finacially not physically.


	6. Nocturnal demissions! Nightly Blunders!

So yeah I had this conversation with the "Mysterious Japanese Man" about the right's to Naruto. Turns out he has it in his will for his son... I don't know if he has a son, mainly for a lack of intrest. I can't even spell the dudes name. So he's now to be known as "MJM" what I'm getting at is, I will kill his son and take the rights. But as for right now I do not own. FUCK YEAH, FIND A LONGER DISCLAIMER THAN THIS!

I had this conversation with myself last night how to top the first...how many chapters have I written 4? 5? but anyway I figured why not let you people decide some of the fun the Akatsuki members have.

Review with some good idea's for a funny situation and I put it in the story somehow. It may not be the next chapter but it will probably appear. And don't worry, I'll still throw in my shit alot of the time too.

Enjoy chapter 6 of the secret video files! Oh, and should I make another one of these after Itachi for any one else? REVIEW

_Italics- someones talking on tv/camera_

Normal- talking

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Itachi was moving in a crouched position acrossed the living room of their new base with his camera raised. Kisame and Diedara right behind him. They stealthely and almost like ninja's infiltrated their enemies room.

"Ok" said Itachi with a hand sign so they could keep quiet. "What color?"

Kisame looked down at they're target and shrugged. "His face is like chalk and he's got the purple under the eye's. You should use that same shade so the opposite colors don't clash with those."

Itachi and Deidara stared at Kisame for a second then shook their heads.

"You gay?" asked Deidara. Kisame shot him a death glare that leaked killing intent. "No, I'm OCD! What about you? You sport the man thong like it's an everyday thing!"

"IT KEEPS THE JUNK IN PLACE!"

"YEAH OVER THE SIDES, SEPARATED, AND ALONE! LIKE IF YOU KEEP WEARING THEM!" screamed Kisame outloud. After he was done all 3 flinched expecting Orochimaru to wake up. Instead the white man just smiled and mumbled, "Sasuke...tight buns...Ultimate Sharingan...little boy mouth"

"Can we get this over with" asked Itachi. "What fucking color?"

"Red" said Deidara. Itachi handed the camera to Deidara and pulled out a red sharpie. "What should I draw?"

Quickly the camera was shoved into Kisame's arms and Deidara flew through hand signs indicating what he wanted drawn. After he was done Itachi almost collapsed from the lack of oxygen getting from his brain due to the laughing he was keeping in.

"Your not serious, he'd kill us!" said Kisame.

"It's perfect" said Itachi. He pulled the cap off the marker and started to draw on Orochimaru's face. After he was done, he put the cap back on. "It's a masterpiece!"

"This is better than explosions! A true work of art!" explaimed Deidara. Kisame shook his head, looked into the camera and mouthed "I'm sorry!"

--

Orochimaru woke up and stretched his arms over his head. He yawned a little and stood up.

"I feel like today's going to be a shitty day. I'll probably end up punching Kisame or something" he said quietly to himself. On the way to the door, he decided coffee was number one on the list of things to do this morning. He was about to walk past the living room when he heard 7 mouths roar with laughter. Orochimaru peered inside and saw his teammates watching something on the tv with Itachi's camera hooked up to it.

"Hey watcha guy's watching?" he asked as he walked in. All of their heads turned to him, eachone holding back laughter. Even Pein, who was always serious looked like he could be laughing enough to have a ramen noodle back through his nose.

"Nothing" Kisame quickly said, knowing the pain would be taken out on him. Orochimaru sat down on the arm of the couch and continued to watch. The video had just gotten to when the camera was on Deidara telling Itachi what to draw. Orochimaru who was still tired didn't catch all the signs. All he got was "Tongue...over..."

The camera turned back to Itachi who was drawing on something that was out of the cameras view.

"I don't know why Kisame was such a pussy" said Itachi, but the word pussy got everyone to laugh, even Konan, who detested the word. "But he never put the camera on his face until I took it and did a final shot."

On the camera Itachi reached for it and held it over their victims face. Orochimaru almost shit a brick right there. On his sleeping face, was a picture of a cat that was being licked by a drawn on tongue. On his forhead it said, "I eat pussy!"

Orochimaru let out a girlish squeal and ran into the bathroom to check his head. Sure enough, it was all still there in perfect red sharpie.

"KISAME! YOUR DEAD!" yelled Orochimaru. Kisame instantly reached down and picked up his zabatou. "Stay the hell away" he said holding it at Orochimaru who was now on the other side of the couch.

"Wait wait" said Itachi. "Before you kill him, someone please restrain Deidara while I show this."

Instantly 12 pairs of hands where holding the blonde haired man's body to the couch. He was shouting "NO!" but it was muffled by a hand. The camera fast forward until it was on Itachi's face.

_"Alright, I feel tainted just to do this but...it's so gross you have to see." _The camera turned and faced down the hall way until it approached a door on the right. _"For some reason if we have any children in here, make them leave"_

Zetsu got up and left.

_"Now that Zetsu-san's gone...here we go"_ The camera poked through a crack in the door and it earned a 7 pronged chorus of "WOAH!" and a "IT BURNS" from Konan.

On the camera, Deidara was strutting around in just his man thong talking to...a Sasori puppet?

_"So my art isn't good enough for you!" yelled Deidara. "It doesn't last long enough?!"_

Deidara did a disturbing swing with his hips that send his junk out of his man thong. Making everyone laugh. It felt like a fire was beneath them from Deidara's embarrassment.

_"Well, Sasori-baka. Who's arts better now!"_ He threw a piece of clay on the puppet and it exploded. He let out a small victory yell and made the victory sign towards the door. That's when he saw the lens in the crack.

_"ITACHI YOU MOTHER FUCKER!" _he screamed running for the camera. But when Deidara opened the door, he found the camera on a tripod with Itachi no where in sight. Until a big flash of white happened and the camera was wisked away from Deidara's cursing form.

Itachi smirked and looked at the dog piled Deidara who only glared at him. "I will get you back, maybe not today or tomorrow. But I will see you suffer" he said. Itachi noticed his hand sliding down to his clay pouch and smirked.

"Not today! SHINY TEETH NO JUTSU!" Itachi flashed his teeth, much like he did to Sasuke but he sent chakra through them and blinded anyone looking at them. The plants on the other side of the room, actually burst into blames. (AN: Oops supposed to be flames but I'll work with it) One plant turned to the other one shreiked, "IF IT WASN'T FOR THE DEXTROCHLORIDE YOU GIVE OFF HIS TEETH WOULDN'T BE SO DAMN SHINY!"

"MY DEXTROCHLORIDE? YOUR FUCKING PINKNESS MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A FAG!"

"It does not" the plant said meekly.

"Shut it fag!"

The blames the plants shouted at eachother attracted Zetsu back into the room. "Itachi! Put your teeth away! Your tearing this plant family apart!"

Itachi shrugged and activated his Mangekyo Sharingan and walked over to the plants and looked at them straight in the petals. "IBANGEDALLYOURMOMSATOCTOBERFESTISBLURGEN!"

The plants convulsed for a moment, and in screaming agony withered away.

"You murder!" yelled Zetsu. **"You gonna be eaten for that!"**

Itachi shrugged again and walked off with his camera. "Is anyone else hu-"

"JASHIN DAMN IT! WHAT THE FUCK DID I SAY ABOUT KEEPING ME ACCUPIED! I SWEAR TO FUCKING JASHIN, IF EVERYTIME SOMEONE IGNORED ME. KAKUZU WOULD GET A DOLLAR!"

"What? Sorry" said Pein as he headed off for the kitchen. Kakuzu's head looked out of the financial aid section of the paper, "Money? Well damn! Every time Hidan get's ignored I get a dollar?! PRAISE JASHIN FOR HE IS GOOD!" he said sarcastically before returning back to the paper.

"Heads up!" yelled Sasori. Kakuzu looked up and saw Hidan's head laying at his foot. "DO NOT USE JASHINS NAME IN VAIN!" he yelled and chomped down on Kakuzu's leg.

"I said the head was up" muttered Sasori before leaving. Itachi shook his head and sighed. "Why are morning so loud!"

He walked down a hall way and sighed again. His shoes weren't that comfy. He wanted his Itachi a Go-go shoes back. "Maybe when we have the world I can resurrect them using the Bijuu. Waste of chakra? Maybe. Worth it? yes!"


	7. Itachi A GoGo Satan's Shoe Brand

So yeah, I was walking today and I saw a boomerang. It inspired this chapter. Also I'm sure this goes for everyone. The manga is pissing us off correct. SPOILER First Sasuke kills off the most awesome character in the series. Then he get's rewarded with a new sharingan looking thing. no no no. That doesn't play good with me. He has to feel like a dick because he killed the good guy. Fuck Sasuke, I hate his sorry ass guts. For all I've offended, I care not. Itachi will not die in this story.

* * *

**3 Month's Later At The Akatsuki House**

"I don't fucking believe you!" yelled Kakuzu. "We're three thousand dollars indebt to have that damn chakra statue built. Which is coming along like shit anyway. But you...YOU go and buy a pair of chakra enhanced shoes!"

Itachi shrugged and slapped his new _Itachi A Go-Go_ shoes on his feet and smiled. "They're perfect!"

"They come from fucking Lucifer himself" muttered Kakuzu. Hidan who was passing by stuck his head into the room, "You mean Jashin?"

"Yes Hidan...Jashin" Hidan smiled and walked away. Yelling stuff about praising Jashin. Kakuzu sighed and turned back to Itachi. "Where the hell did you get those?"

"Internet"

"...What the hell's the internet?" Itachi opened his mouth and quickly shut it again. He looked down at his shoes then to his camera. 'What is the internet?' he thought.

"It's a thing where you can buy stuff from the comfort of your own home" said Itachi innocently. Kakuzu glared at the shoes, "What possible benifit do they give you?"

"Comfort and when you pump them they make you slightly taller!" exclaimed Itachi making the shoes expand making him an inch taller. "Bam!"

Deidara came walking in and nodded at them before heading to the fridge. Itachi smiled and flashed his shoes, "Hey Deidara! Like my new shoes?"

He looked down and gasped. "OMG Are those the new _Itachi A Go-Go v 2.5_ shoes with insta growing action yeah yea yea?."

Itachi smirked, "the very same"

Deidara let off a girly squeal and looked at him with awe, "They match your hair, yeah!" Kakuzu shuddered and took a drink of orange juice.

"I wish I could get a pair...they're like four thousand bucks a pair!" said Deidara. Kakuzu's drink did not come out his mouth like a normal person. His body, from his addiction to money went into a spasmistic shock. In which his stomach actually spit the orange juice out through his chest, soaking his shirt.

"Ow" he groaned. Deidara stopped his fawning and turned to him. "You alright, yeah?"

"Yeah but the price of those fucking shoes are causing me to go into cardiac arrest. I'm going to call an ambulance...whatever the fuck that is." he said softly and turned and leaved he kitchen.

"Your going to let me try them on yeah, yeah?" asked Deidara. Itachi sat on a stool and thought about it for a moment. "Naw, I just wanted you to see them so I could fuck with you"

"Your a horrible person yeah!"

"I've been told" Itachi said grimly. He stood up from his stool and started to walk to the hall. "If I'm not needed I'm just gonna-" Itachi not noticing where he was walking stepped in and slipped on Kakuzu recently stomach throwed up orange juice, just as Kisame was walking in. He had barely enough time to dodge the shoe that flew off Itachi's foot. It nearly missed his face and flew through a wall.

"What the hell?" said Kisame as he was picking Itachi up. "Why did you throw your shoe at me?"

"I didn't"

"Ok, fine we'll play your games" said Kisame "But when I win don't bitch at me- _whack!"_

The shoe had came back through another portion of the wall and kicked Kisame in the nose. He stumbled back holding. "WHAT THE HOLY FUCKING HELL! HIDAN! I BLAME YOU" yelled Kisame just as the shoe came flying around for another attack. "Satan's in this shoe!"

Itachi tried to catch it but it was moving way to fast. Kisame was running fast hiding behind solid objects. But the Itachi shoe just kept flying straight threw them. "Itachi! Call off your attack shoe!"

"Come here little shoe" said Itachi sweetly, he even whistled once or twice. Until the shoe rounded on him. Itachi had to use his Sharingan to dodge. As the shoe past his head, he heard a shrill banshee scream. He turned around to see Orochimaru holding his nuts.

"Why?" he asked very quietly, then fell face first to the floor. Itachi stood there looking at Oro's twitching body. 'We're suppose to be the most powerful ninja's...yet we're systematically being taken out one by one...' he thought. This started to anger Itachi...his _A Go-Go _shoes betrayed him. Well one did. The other one is still tied around his foot as snug as a bug.

"That's it!"

Itachi flung his shoe as hard as he could towards the oncoming satan shoe. The two collided and fell to the floor, completely still. "Is it safe" asked Kisame as he emerged from hiding.

"I think" said Itachi as he grabbed a fork and started poking the shoes. "I think I'll give these to Hidan."

"Why?"

"You'll see" said Itachi with a smirk, "grab the camera"

--

Itachi (on camera) threw the shoe like a frisbee into Hidan's room and slammed the door shut. Screams of pain and running feet soon filled the camera's mircophone. Kisame started to laugh behind camera. Itachi had to admit, he was better than a tripod. After a few minutes, the screams and bumps stopped. Itachi was about to open the door when Hidan's form crashed into the door leaving a faint outline. Then the words _Itachi A Go-Go_ started to imprint themselves on the door from the shoe impacting it. Itachi held his breath to keep from laughing and opened the door. Hidan's unconcious form fell to the floor with the shoes impact imprintes all over his body. The shoe laid harmlessly on the floor. Itachi walked passed Hidan and put it back on his foot.

"The most deadly chakra enhanced shoe on the planet! And it's mine!" said Itachi in the most evil way he could.

"Uh..." said Kisame as he turned the camera down the hall and saw Orochimaru using his hands to crawl across the floor.

"I'm going to kill you Itachi!" he yelled. Itachi poked his head out the door and laughed, "You don't got nuts, there's no use in crying over them!"

"Wait til I get my hands on you!"

"I'm not letting you touch me in your pedophile way's, run Kisame!"

* * *

  
I'm sorry I haven't updated in awhile. I've been away on buisness...but that's the excuse.


	8. Ketchupyeah

**Ok, here's the next chapter. Got the idea at about 3 in the morning. I'm starting to lose the funny. Review with Idea's.**

Itachi set down his plate on the Kitchen's island and dove into his fry's. On the other side of the island was Sasori spinning some leftover noodles on a fork but not eating them. He had a stoic look on his face as he stared at a sharp knife laying on the counter 5 feet away. Itachi sighed and grabbed the ketchup bottle before asking, "Ok, what's wrong?"

Sasori threw his fork down and looked at Itachi with a feirce look. "I'm so depressed! Nothing is going the way it's suppose to!"

"So?"

"I mean I'm in debt, 100,000 bucks! I don't have that kind of money! The people I borrowed it from in the first place will probably kill me. I think the only way is to kill myself before they do."

Itachi squeezed the ketchup bottle and nothing came out..."I get it...wait what in Holy Hell?!"

"That's right, I think I'm going to kill myself." said Sasori as he stood up. "Wait!" yelled Itachi standing up looking at the ketchup bottle. "Hold that thought, I-I... just need to get more ketchup."

Sasori made a whiny noise but Itachi shot him a glare, "Your not going to kill yourself now are you?" Sasori shook his head, but still stared at the knife. "Good."

Itachi bounded to the fridge and pried it open, "NO! NO MORE! SASORI, PUT THE KNIFE DOWN, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK!" Nobody except Sasori and a cat knew exactly how fast Itachi could move. He ran down the road moving as fast as his leg's could carry him, until he rear-ended the back of a car. The sudden shock sent him about 5 feet back from the car so he could see why it was there. 'Fucking red light! wait...what the hell does this have to do with anything...WHAT IS THAT THING?'

Itachi stood up and stumbled to the door and yanked out the driver. "Why do you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80!? What the fuck!"

"Your suppose to stop at a red light!" yelled the man. "Maybe the better question is, why are you running 80 miles an hour?"

Itachi suddenly remembered why he was running, he dropped the man and ran off, "I need ketchup before Sasori kills himself."

The man watched Itachi run off and suddenly realized he could use these thing's in a comedy skit. Itachi on the other hand was running until he reached the store, only to be distracted once by the offering of girlscout cookies. It was very creepy for the girlscouts because some man just run's in full speed, stop's on one foot and goes "OO COOKIES NO NO KETCHUP" then took off back into the store. Itachi jumped and ran across the checkout lanes and landed on the floor, not seeing the floor wet sign. "Oh shit" and down he went. He slid acrossed the floor until he hit a rack of stuff. It was already to late to stop it before he saw what it was. "GLITTER!" All the glitter on the stand fell on him and coated him. Grumbling and not caring if Sasori was dead, collected his ketchup and exited. Not before punching a girlscout in the face for making fun of him. "Fuck you and your cookies."

Sasori chuckled when a glittered Itachi entered the room. "Don't say anything" he said as he sat back down infront of his fries. "Now continue"

"Kill myself"

"NO SASORI DON'T DO IT" screamed Itachi squirting ketchup into the air. The ketchup flew into Sasori's noodles."Ya know what? I don't want to talk to you about this."

"Fine be a bitch and kill yourself. Nobody would care." said Itachi

**Two day's later**

"I swear to god I'll do it!" yelled Sasori.

"Then pull the fucking trigger" said Itachi over the phone. "You won't cause your a-"

**boom**

"Hello? hey...you still there?"

"Yeah"

"I fucking told you wouldn't do it. Now stop calling me, your right down the fucking hall." _click_

Itachi sighed and sat on his bed. "damn this chapter was short" he said before he fell asleep


	9. We're free, praise the lord or Jashin

**I'll be the first to admit those thing's in last chapter were based off two skit's by Dane Cook and the whole gunshot over the phone was done by ICP. But the glitter and the cookies all me.**

**Now start review'in, or give me your soul! Your beautiful soul! I am the soulburner! **

**I've been looking for an excuse to say that all day. Speaking of souls, I'm going to raid a scene from DoVG (decline of video gaming) on the whole fast food souls thing. Right here in...THE BEGINNING!**

* * *

Itachi was standing at the counter of the resturant talking with Hatake Kakashi. It was November 24th, thanksgiving. The day all the missing nin's could unite with they're village without the threat of being killed. Of course, as soon as mid night struck, ANBU was looking for them. But non the less, here stood the Uchiha and Kakashi ordering fast food. Hooda thought?

Itachi turned around and was about to order when he saw the chasier, he jumped back and screamed slightly. There stood a guy in huge overecumbering blue armer, with two peircing red/yellow eye's. and it growled at him.

"Just order" said Kakashi and pushed Itachi to the counter. "U...um...yeah...I'd like a number one with a-"

**"SOUL'S!"**

"...no coke."

**"Soul's?!"**

"No coke."

**"SOUL'S!"**

"COKE!"

**"Coke?"**

"Yes and a-"

**"SOUL'S!"**

"FUCK THIS! I'M GOING TO BURGER KING!"

Itachi shushin'd from the resturant and appeared outside throwing the biggest scene ever. Kakashi sighed and stepped up to the counter. "Yeah, I'll have the number three with soul and another soul off the dollar menu."

**"Ok, that's one number three, a Dr. Pepper and a double chi. Is that all?"**

"That'll do it" said Kakashi pulling out his wallet. **"6.98"**

Kakashi pulled out a ten and handed it to him, "Sorry bout my friend, he's a little on the insane side."

The two of them looked out into the parking lot and saw Itachi chucking a small child through the windsheild of a passing car. Yelling obcinities at it.

**"Should I call the cops?"**

"Naw, but when he's dead I'll bring you his soul."

**"Souls! Thank you Kakashi."**

Kakashi nodded and took his food to his seat. He took his burger out of the non-biodegratable styrophome container and quickly at it before any one could see what he had on under his mask. He was about half way done when a truck bed came through the wall of the play area behind Kakashi and shot Itachi up the plastic slide.

o000o

November 25th

"How was your Thanksgiving Itachi un un u nun?" asked Deidara.

"I don't wanna talk about it"

"Why?"

"Because it hurt. Alot, did you know that a trucks center of gravity is in the very back where it hit me in the face?"

"What's a truck un? un"

Itachi stayed silent and tapped his finger's looking at the blonde idiot. Why did he alway's get the confusing question's?

"You figure it out. Go play in some traffic and I'm sure you'll find out." said Itachi. Deidara huffed in annoyance and walked away leaving Itachi alone and in peace...for about five seconds before Pein and Konan came in.

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN FORCLOSURE!?" yelled Konan. "THIS PLACE IN ENSSURED FOR ANOTHER SIX MONTHS!"

"Konan." said Pein weakly. "Kakuzu is the only one bringing in actual money. Then some people points at Itachi) are off buying shit."

"I don't give a damn! I don't want to live another month in a refridgerator box!"

"At least you had a fridge with it!"

"But where did I sleep!?" she yelled. Pein stayed silent and poked his finger's together. "The microwave box..."

The two continued they're fighting for what seemed like hours. Itachi eventually fell asleep only to be rudely awakened with a kunai ripping some hair out of his head. Itachi glared at them and layed his head back down on the counter. 'Am I the only sane person in this damn house?'

The next thing was that the fighting stopped abruptly and Konan stormed out of the room. Pein smirked and looked at his watch, the color of his skin was bright red.

'Oh, curious' thought Itachi as he watched Pein run off in the direction Konan did...her room.

"OH, BLACKMAIL!" yelled Itachi. Nobody saw Itachi move, they saw a black flash. A couple people in the room thought the Yondaime of Konoha had a son or something because it moved that fast. Kisame was rewrapping the Samehada when a camera appeared out of no where with Itachi behind it. "Where's Zetsu? He wanted to be apart of the next video."

Kisame shrugged, "I'm free."

**Somewhere non threatening to the peace and stability of this fic.**

Zetsu sat in the grass looking at two venus flytraps.

"So..."

Suddenly a flying Itachi A Go-Go shoe flew out of the sky and decapitated the two plants. Zetsu just watched the shoe fly away and zip to where ever it was needed in it's fight against evil. Like parent venus flytraps, or Fall Out Boy.

**Back to the action.**

"Wait" said Itachi. Both him and Kisame stopped dead in their tracks 20 feet from Konan's door. "Why is this hallway slanted left?"

Kisame looked down and sighed, "It's because you've only got one shoe on."

"Hehe, oh yeah." said Itachi thinking of where the rogue shoe was traveling. When all of a sudden he heard what he wanted. a crack and a scream.

"This day is proving itself to be worth it" said Itachi. Together they snuck up on the door and cracked it open, super ninja stealthily. Itachi opened the view finder on the camera and stuck it in. At the sight inside both cold blooded killers made a mental note. Not to have sex with Konan.

Pein was strapped to the bed and Konan was walking around, naked holding a black, nail filled whip. She was smirking sadistically and looking down at the poor "God".

'Oh, Hue, your going to love me even more now' thought Itachi as he caught the whole night on tape.

o000o

_Only on Paper View...pay per view! Watch a God get dominated by a mere human! (whipping sound and scream) Filmed by Hue heffner's greatest voyuer, Uchiha Itachi!_

"I'VE GOT TO WATCH THIS!" yelled Diedara as he fumbled with the remote to order it. But froze when he just saw the entire room stare at him. "...un?" Everyone went back to normal. Deidara sighed and he hit the order button and watched Itachi's newest works. Just as Pein and Konan walked through the front door. Now it seemed to the rest of the organization that they didn't care. Due to the fact they had been on previous pay per view things previously before the global dominization thing came into play.

The rest of the day no one heard anything from them until Konan walked out to them all, completely nude. Holding the weapon they now feared. "You guy's like to watch that stuff? Great, now come here so we can all do it together."

All males present backed themselves into a corner, Hidan being somewhat more sensible grabbed a cross and held it infront of him, but it caught fire on contact with him making him drop it.

"Jashin damn it!" he yelled. Konan's smile never faltered as she went to hit them. But they dived out of the way. "Don't worry" she said sweetly, "I'm not going to hurt you...I'M GOING TO KILL YOU ALL!"

"DEAR GOD!"

"DEAR JASHIN!"

"I'M STILL A VIRGIN"

"THAT'S BECAUSE YOUR A SHARK MAN HYBRID!"

"DON'T TOY WITH MY EMOTIONS!"

_Knock knock knock_

"HE-mmmm"

The rest of Akatsuki dragged Kisame into the back and Pein answered the door. "y-y-yyess" he asked shakily, he realized how bad it was and cleared his throat. "Yes"

It was a cop. When he saw Pein he snickered a little but returned to his papers. "Would you be the owner of one, Orochimaru?"

Itachi popped his head around the corner with the camera. There was not way in hell he was going to miss this.

"Yeah...what'd he do?"

"What didn't he do" said the cop. "He's sick! Pedophilia, indecent exposure to minor's. He's a basket case. Screaming he only did it because he couldn't get his hands on Uchiha Itachi."

"This day is like fucking candy!" yelled Itachi, making the entire house look at him. "IF IT GET'S ANY FUCKING BETTER I'M GOING TO HAVE A CANDY-GASM!"

"Yeah...well. Bail's set for bout 5 mil. so..."

"Keep the mother fucker!" yelled Pein and slammed the door. "MEN! WE ARE FREE!"

All men exception for Hidan, pulled off solid steel chastitiy belts and sighed.

"The boy's!" yelled Deidara, "I can feel them again."

"A NEW AKATSUKI DECREE!" yelled Kakuzu. "MEN WILL ALWAYS FREE BALL!"

Then they sang...oh did they sing. "WE'RE FREE. FREE BALLIN"

"Isn't it free falling" asked Konan standing there alone, naked, with a nail whip.

"NO!" they yelled, the air wave's blasted her off her feet and into the next room.

* * *

**K a big sloppy but what the hell, it's late. I'm tired and I'm trying to update everything before i sleep. I won't update again until the fifteenth at least. So here you go wallow in it, **

**just yell at me for the dissapointment you feel. I encourage it.**


	10. Invasion Of Konoha: Twisler Herecy

**Wow Akatsuki again. Now they are minus one member. Who's in jail. And I am now putting drugs into the story yay! cause I came up with some funny shit. Now for all you people who saw Pineapple express. There will be a suprise guest appearence by who? you'll see.**

o000o

Itachi stood on the small lake holding his camera looking at the sunset. He took in it's beauty and let a small smile grace his face. It has been four years since he's joined Akatsuki, they're billionaire's now. From the money they brought in to Itachi's natural voyerouism, which indeed brought in a big set of cash that had Kakuzu nutting for day's.

Diedara had been the unlucky one to catch that unfortunate event. He had been walking down the hallway whistling a small tune to himself when he heard pained grunts coming from the heart eaters room. In a panic that another heart attack had struck he barged in.

"Holy Fucking Shit!" Kakuzu grabbed the covers and flipped them over himself.

"No! BAD KAKUZU! No having sex with the money!" yelled Diedara. "You abstian til your married, til then only second base mister."

Kakuzu shot him a glare and pulled up some pants under the covers. When he pulled them off, Diedara jumped back. "GROSS Man!"

Apparently...he had about 95 billion sexual relationships before this dollar. Ew.

Itachi smirked at the memory and alway's made Diedara handle the finances from now on. So he had to touch the money. The white stained money. Sasori had walked into the room one day with a large smile on his face which pissed Diedara off even more as he punched numbers into the calculator.

"Just say it for the love of-"

"JASHIN!" yelled Hidan from across their base. Diedara sighed and waved his hand. "Get one with it yeah."

"At least the money is stiff and easy to handle" said Sasori. The blond shook his head, "Please is that the best you got."

"Your hand tonge things are on the money."

"FUCKINGSHITGROSS"

'Ah good times' thought Itachi. The Akatsuki had long since split into their respective groups, with Itachi and Kisame hunting down the nine tails jinchuuriki. Kisame crawled out of the water next to him and walked to the shore. Down in the gully lied thier target and the village of Konoha...Itachi's old home.

The sun set and the two placed their bana nana nana du du da (asian theme Gong sound) hats on and stood on the edge of the cliff face.

"This is so exciting" said Kisame jumping slightly clapping his hands. Itachi nodded and pulled out the camera. "And to make this buisness official." he said reaching again back into his robes only to pull out nothing. "No!"

"What?"

"The weed's gone!" yelled Itachi. (Sorry I need drugs in this story. I'm a good drug writer). Kisame freaked. Bad. "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN THE WEED'S GONE. wHAT...WHEN...WHAT THE FUCK!"

"looks like we need to make a quick pit stop at my old dealers place. I do not! Want to pick off this Jinchuuriki sober damn it!"

"Did this guy sell good stuff."

"The dopest dope you've ever smoked. By far still, the dopest dope I've ever smoked."

"Alright" said Kisame..."Let's do this."

**SIDE AKATSUKI MISSION. S RANKED.  
Objective Numero Uno  
-Find Sol**

**Objective Numero Dos  
-Get weed from Sol**

**Objective Numero Quatro  
-Smoke it...with Sol**

Objective Numero Cinco  
-Continue to smoke it...with Sol

"Why did you right this down?" asked Kisame..."And what happened to number tres?"

"Fuck number tres man" Itachi said. "I don't fuckin speak spanish."

"Fair enough"

The two S ranked criminal's moved down the mountain and moved covertly into the village. To be honest, how could two outrageously funny stoners get in so easily? OF COURSE THEY FUCKING DIDN'T. A whole shit load of crazy ass shit happened, like trying to shop lift snickers from a candy store, pushing down a row of old people, and playing leap frog in the streets. Covertly...not really. I lied. Now our heroic protaganists are surrounded by Hatake Kakashi, Sarutobi Asuma, and hot chick. Um...forget name. From now on she is hot chick numero uno.

"Uchiha Itachi, what are you doing back in Konoha?" asked Kakashi. A blather of excuses and other shit ran through Itachi's mind. He could tell them the illegal reason they were here and get off scot free but that would be too easy.

"We're here for the Yondaime's legacy." he replied. 'Damn that sounded better in my head. All important and shit.'

"And weed" said Kisame under his breath. 'I wonder if seaweed is smokeable? Oh my-'

"JASHIN!" echoed the voice of Hidan over the mountains. Kisame sweatdropped but shook it off quickly. "Itachi, do you think seaweed is smokeable?"

Itachi turned to him and placed his finger on his chin. "Maybe...Holy shit, do you think it would give you a better high if you smoked it underwater?"

"Is that possible?"

"I don't know but we try it after we meet Sol."

"Excuse me" shouted hot chick numero uno. "We have to arrest you."

"...for what?"

"Itachi...you robbed three bp (lol) stations." said Asuma.

"I stole like 3 taco's" said Itachi disbelievingly.

"And 2 personal pan pizza's." added Kakashi as he counted on his fingers.

"Yeah...that was only like 11 bucks total, i can pay right now" Itachi said as he pulled out his wallet. But due to Kakuzu it didn't fold close, it was flat as hell. Damn that money was hard.

"It was 14.34 with tax!"

"Fuck tax man!" yelled Kisame. "Taxes are only in place to put in your paycheck. Fuck the police!"

"This is getting no where Kisame" Itachi interjected. "Let's kill them and end this. Sol is on the horizon. Where he's surrounded by a field of beatiful plants and candy. Dear...jashin...I love candy."

As he explained this is Mangekyo candy sharingan swirled into existance. Making the three Konoha shinobi forget not to look into it. "Why does it look like a twisler?"

"DO NOT MOCK THE TWISLER!" he shouted then activated his genjutsu. "DIEYOUDUMBASSMOCKERSOFTHETWISLERSUFFERFORYOURHERECYBLAHHH!"

The ninja's fell to the ground twitching and drooling. like alway's. Kisame took a step away and poked his fingers together. "You know you should use your eye's to that extent...you go into a bad candy-lust afterwards."

It was true, last time Kisame caught him fucking a donut. The time before that he was deep throating a snickers while slapping himself in the face with a three musketeers. This insides all over his face. It was scary. with a Triple R. Scarrry. ooooo

"No, not this time." said Itachi. "First we need to find Sol. If he still the smart man he is, he's still in the same apartment. ONWARD PATSY!"

**So tired...so drunk. I had like 9 shots of tequila. I've been trying to write this chapter since 10 it's now 1 cause of all the backspacing. Anyway hope you enjoyed my drunken humor. I did. LOLZL REVIEW if you want more ItachixSnicker action. **

**Peace,  
Me!**


	11. CWOE

**Ok might be short idk. When you see Jiraiya's name, to get the better feeling of the story. Hold your hand out infront of you with your palm and fingers up, and pretend a heart is beating in your hands, follow the pulse with your fingers. You'll feel cool.**

**Also, I call this little arc in the story the BASHING arc, cause I come down hard on everyone. I don't care who, and if you have issues with it, stop reading.**

**These are my depictions of Insane Naruto Characters, nah.**

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Kisame and Itachi sat in their respective chair's as I stare them down. "Now, you two know I have great respect for you two?"

"Yeah" they said in usision. Kisame's eye's widened quick. "I'm not sucking your dick to stay on! I swear to.....I will gut you."

"Naw dude fuck that. I'm putting the weed need on hold. Sorry, your no longer pot heads."

"Fuck you man" Itachi said. I point at him threateningly, "I gave you a fucking candy sharingan, you should be kissing my ass." Itachi glared before reverting back to insane stoicness.

"Good. Now considered you lives psychologically screwed, Hannibal style." I say. "Welcome to the belly of the beast."

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Itachi woke up and immediatly grabbed his cloak and felt inside the pockets before pulling out a snickers. "Ha! He didn't get you! Mother fucking author, he can go fuck himself, he can take away my pot but he wont take my candy."

"Itachi! Its fucking 5 in the morning!" Kisame yelled. "Go to sleep." Itachi stared at the snickers and gave it a small passionate hug before putting it away. He laid his head back on his pillow and stared at the remains of his camera.

_Flashback_

_"Itachi....it has been my destiny to kill you" said Sasuke, when they met in the hallway. They found the blond jinchuuriki in his hotel room when they distracted the ULTIMATE JIRAIYA with a woman. Both Itachi and Kisame had their way with her first to. Hopefully the ULTIMATE JIRAIYA would get sloppy thirds. _

_When they first encountered the Kyuubi container, they contimplated running. It was scary as shit. He was sitting on his bed staring at his hands. They were out infront of him with the palms up. He stared at them intently. "BelieveItBelieveItBelieveItBelieveItBelieveItBelieveIt....BELIEVE WHAT! WHAT AM I BELIEVING!"_

_Kisame tried to exorcise him but that didn't work, so Itachi used a Snickers ploy to lead Naruto out into the hall. "Snicker?" he asked. Itachi smirked, "NO FOOL" and punched the blond in the face. That's when the ULTIMATE JIRAIYA showed up. Then Sasuke._

_To make this story shorter, Itachi was thinking about eating that snickers he almost didn't dodge the Chidori Of Weakly Orphaned Emo's. CWOE for short. _

"Wait wait time" Itachi said. "How would you say that was a word to shorten it? Cw...cwo. Cwoe? Quoiy? Quoiy? Yes? Ok."

_The CWOE or Quoiy for short, tore his Akatsuki cloak and destroyed his camera. Itachi became enraged and beat the little emo fucker sensless, it was a 200 buck camera. _

_The ULTIMATE AND FOREVER PERVY AWESOME JIRAIYA then put them in a toad stomach, so Kisame just summoned The French to come eat it. Now they were camping with Pickles, Kisame's new pet possum._

_END FLASHBACK_

**Time: 1:45 P.M.  
Location: Konoha  
Mission: Sneaking**

"Do dododo dododo. do dododo dodo. Da da do da da, dada do dada doodada do" Kisame sang as they rounded the Hyuuga Mansion. Itachi pulled the milky way out of his mouth and whispered, "Is that the Austin Powers song?"

"We need theme music shut up" Kisame said. "It's sad, the author can't write it properly. Looks bad on me, ya know?"

"Yes, I know. Kisame, one day we will rip the heart out of that cold hearted mother fucker and get our weed back. I will fight for till my last breath, I promise. FOR FREEDOM!"

"Hey what was that?" asked a voice around the corner. Kisame hiit Itachi in the back of the head and pointed up to an open window. They ninja jumped inside of the mansion as the Hyuuga guards ran by. Itachi shut the window and turned around. 'Oh fuck me' he whispered. The room was completely dark except for a candle at the far end. A person was sitting near it rocking back and forth.

"Should we keep going" asked Kisame? Itachi nodded, "it's our only way out."

They walked forward until they neared the person. It was a girl and she was mummbling, "NarutokunNarutokunNarutokunNarutokunNarutokun."

"Um....excuse me, little girl"

The girls head shot at sickening speed to look at them, her neck broke in five places. Her eye's had no life, no emotion. On her face was the most sickening smile ever to be witnessed. "Y...y...yyessssss" she hissed. Kisame gripped Itachi's arm and gulped, "SHE'S A DEMON, HER EYE'S THEY'RE DEAD, SO HELP ME GOD THEY'RE DEAD!"

Itachi slapped Kisame then turned back to the possessed girl that was Hyuuga Hinata. "Do you know where to find Uzumaki Naruto?"

The girl nodded, the bones in her neck snapping more and more. Itachi noticed she was holding a tuft of blonde hair. "I knows. I knows where to find Naruto-kun. All the time" she said quietly. Suddenly more candles flared to life. "OH HELP ME GOD (jashin) WHAT THE FUCK!" screamed Itachi as he fell away from the Hyuuga. On the walls were pictures of the blond from indisclosed locations, each one had looked like a sticky substance touched it. There was blood everywhere, white marks which Kisame and Itachi knew what it was but they refused to believe this girl would go to such lengths to retrieve it.

And In the center of it all, was a life size verson of the blonde, made from dead skin and hair. "I've been collecting" she inhaled deeply and walked to the wall. "His dead skin cells since he was Threeeeee" she then licked one of the white marks.

"OH FUCK THIS IS A HORRIBLE PLACE!" screamed Kisame clutching his Samehada. Hinata giggled and turned her head, her neck finally gave way and her head fell onto her right shoulder. "Now I need the flesh of his enemies!"

Itachi produced a king sized snickers and threw it to distract her but it didn't work. Kisame chucked the Samehada but it flew over her head and hit the dead skin cell version of Naruto, which exploded into billions of dust particals. Then next reaction, Kisame grabbed a pillow and used it to defend himself from her onslaught, screaming, he killed Naruto-kun. "ITACHI HELP ME MAN, SHE'S A SAVAGE! PUNCH HER IN THE FACE!"

Itachi gathered all the strength he could and threw a punch, but he tripped over a Naruto sex doll that came out of no where and he punched her knee cap. Almost at once, her face exploded. Kisame let the pillow and body fall to the floor as he stared with wide eye's.

"That little blond mother fucker owe's us big time." Kisame said. "She was a fucking psycho!"

Itachi turned his head and looked at the ceiling, "I KNOW YOUR APART OF THIS!!!"

I Laugh, alot.

Next time: As our Hero's but not hero's of the Naruto story line but we will call them hero's anyway, cause they're awesome, treck the village of Konoha what will they find and who will they see that might make them insane.

"I....i don't give a damn" Itachi mumbled. Kisame turned his head toward his partner and sighed, "Quoiy (CWOE) to your right."

Itachi grabbed the weak little fucker emo's chidori and beat him senseless again.

The end till next chapter.

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**Ok, I wrote it at two in the morning don't expect alot. **

**Peace,  
Blood Rain**


	12. No name, just yeah

**Well, to tell yall the truth. I write this shit to get some randomness off my chest. So your the poor fools that read it. It isn't funny, its just shit haha but I chuckle you people are suppose to be the sane ones not me.**

* * *

**Time: 4:00 P.M.  
Location: Konoha  
Mission: Walking, not dying, mischief**

_Click, click, whirl....._ "Oooooooh shit" groaned Itachi as he played back his tape. He watched the play back and quickly shut it off. "Oh fuck me" he said as they walked through the streets. Kisame looked over his shoulder and did a double take. "Oh gross. Why did you let that fool use your camera?"

"I didn't" Itachi said. "Deidara used the old camera but used my damn tape. I'm gonna fucking kill that dick."

Kisame nodded and looked at it again. "I didn't know he modeled?"

"Yeah, for victoria secret."

"Well, we sure did find out her...his secret. What are we going to do with him?"

Itachi smiled and rubbed his hands together with a wicked grin. "I has plans my blue skinned shark man. I has plans. When we get back to base we will destroy everything he holds sacred. Incuding that Paul Mitchell book he's always looking at."

"Ever since that Zohan movie came out he's been changing his damn hair all day. Fucking psycho."

"We've been running into them all day now. That lazy kid is still in your robes." Kisame nodded and opened his jacket and looked at the Nara sleeping inside the robes inside pocket. "Ugh, god damn, troublesome....clouds. Eating people."

"Hear that Itachi" Kisame said closing his robe so the Nara could sleep. "The clouds are eating people."

"Those guys are fucked!"

They walked for several minutes trying to get Itachi's tape not be filled with Deidara's modeling shit when they noticed they were being followed. Kisame looked behind them and saw two girls following them. "Hey, what you people want?"

"See Piggy, he can talk."

"Please Forehead. You can't really say nothing cause you can barely talk as it is."

"Oh my gawd shut up."

"Ok thats enough of that" Itachi said. He snapped the pink girls neck and Kisame shredded the other one with is sword. "I needed to stop that before it started. The author had something up his god damn sleeve! I know it!"

Oh I gots more, lots more.

They both were walking away when they heard something like bones cracking. Itachi turned around and his eyes went wide. Slowly he raised his camera and hit record. The girl whose neck he snapped was getting back up. Her hands and feet were flat on the ground with the front of her body up in the air. Her head hung limply upside down, and the guts and organs of her friend were absorbing into her body. And she was slowly growing.

"YOU HAD TO OPEN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH" Kisame yelled. "YOU HAD TO PISS THE MAN OFF. YOU STUPID MOTHER FU-" The creature roared just as the face split apart because the skin couldn't contain the mass growing inside.

"Ok you have to ask yourself whats worse. That Hyuuga chick or this? Cause personally, I think I was more scared of her" Itachi pointed out. Kisame hid behind the Uchiha who was still recording. "Please don't let it get me."

"Lets see" said Itachi. "I got an easy way out. I'm going to turn the author against himself. He can't kill us, cause he doesn't want this to end. But he wants it to be funny and completely random. KISAME, fight it! I'll come up with something!

"Fuck you" he groaned. The shark man drew his blade and ran forward. The Sakura/Ino creature roared and blocked his blade with its arms. The blade locked in place and it tore it from Kisame's hands. "Nooooo." The creature struck with a long tongue, so fast Kisame couldn't dodge. It ended up lodging itself in Kisame's robe. "Oh god it got me! It fucking got me! It- oh! I'm ok!" Kisame looked inside the robe to see that Shikamaru had blocked the tongue with his face.

"Thank you sleeping now dead child."

Itachi ran around looking for something random. It was very hard to find something random when your looking for it. Itachi darted into a store and looked around. "Does anyone in here have soemthing to stop a 12 year old girl, hybrid bitch?!"

The man behind the counter looked out of the window at the creature in the street and his face fell. "Damn, her again. This is the twelveth time this month. That blond kid keeps forcing this thing out on purpose."

"You mean Uzumaki Naruto?"

"Yeah, that little bastard. Here I got something." The store owner pulled a metal case out from around the corner and put it on the counter. It was pure white and had three question marks on it. "It's my just in case box." He opened it up for Itachi and he smiled. "Go get em tiger."

Kisame was holding the beast at bay, teasing it with a baby in a stroller. "Get it! Get it!"

"Kisame! Stand back!"

There was a whooshing sound and Kisame saw something pop out of the tube Itachi was holding. It launched into the air and turned to face the ground. It shot directly into the creature and annihilated it. Sending peices of hybrid girl bitch all over the neighborhood.

"Hahaha YES!" Itach kissed the Javelin launcher and tossed it to the ground. "DAMN RIGHT!"

Kisame wiped the blood smear off his face and wiped it off on the baby in the stroller. It giggled as Kisame passed it back to its mother. "Please tell me you got that on camera!?" Itachi pointed to a set up tripod on the side of the street and smiled. The shark man did a little dance and slung his robe and sword back on him. "Well we have a lead my finely made shark friend. The curiator of this place knows where to find Uzumaki."

* * *

"Do you have any idea the amount of bullshit we've just been through to fucking find you" screamed Itachi. His hands were wrapped around the blonds neck and he was turning blue. Kisame stood guard in the ally making sure no one came by. His candy sharingan came to life and the kid was sent into a candy hell. A fairy tale universe of horrors, where cupcake's frost you, and pancakes torture you enlessly. And the ruler, a box of nerds with a three point stash with a bouler hat.

The kid passed out and smacked his head on the ground.

"What the hell is going on" yelled an obnoxious high pitch voice.

"We're torturing our target" Itachi said kicking the downed boy in the gut.

"Wait a second your the two guys from the hotel."

"Yeah who did u think we-" Kisame started but he looked at the speaker and to the blond kid on the ground. "Whose that? ITACHI! WE FUCKED UP!"

"For the love of.....You know my vision fucking sucks! Get him!"

For entertainment pleasure, now imagine Yakety Sax playing in the back of your mind. The blond took off down the street into a shop and while our two protagonists follow. The blond shot out of the other shop across the street while Kisame appeared at the one further down the street. Itachi came out of the same shop and scratched his head when Naruto came out and they both tumbled to the ground. The blond shot into another shop and Itachi chased him into it.

"Alright fuck this" Itachi said and used his newly aquired Javelin to blow up the building. Kisame showed up a moment later and they started to shift through the rubble. "I know he's in here" Itachi said. "I seen him before it went off."

"Your sure? I mean you did confuse that other blond kid cause your vision is shot to shit." Itachi gave him a look and flipped him off. "Fuck you, that's all I can say."

After about a hour of searching, they're search came out dead. "You know...Pein's gonna kill us."

"I know" Itachi said. "But I refuse to die before I take out the author. I will find that fucker and I will get what I have lost back!"

"Weed?"

"Yes weed! I can't even touch the shit anymore. I can't be relax and stoic without it. I'm too giddy off the damn candy! FUCK!"

"Oh that's why you've been very expressive lately. I like it. You become more amusing this way."

"Gah! Fuck you!"

* * *

"So what are you going to do now" asked Kakashi.

"I don't know. I'm sorry I had to come to someone" Itachi cried. "I'm so stressed out! Kisame doesn't pay any attention to me anymore. I don't think he takes me seriously."

"Whats the real problem?"

"That fucker!"

"I see. How's your video documentary going?"

"Like shit! People keep stealing my tapes, I do pranks on it. But the only thing I really did on there that was badass was kill the hybrid bitch."

"Ugh, I hate that shit. Pinky and Blondy do that every now and then. But I mean, even a child can take that thing out. You put those two together you got a seven year old."

"Your a big downer you know that?"

"I'm a psychologist" Kakashi said. "I'm suppose to be."

Itachi's eyes went to the tattoo on Kakashi's wrist _Just Kill Yourself_. "Uh huh."

* * *

"Hey, hey, hey"

"What Kisame?"

"I got you a present." Itachi opened his eyes and he looked at the shark man. "Would could you get me that I could possibly need?"

"Two things" said the shark dude. "More missles for your Javelin and a punching bag."

"Wha-" Kisame pulled him to his feet and showed him the bag hanging down from a light pole. "Kisame...your the sweetest thing." He kicked the bag, making it yell into the gag. "Sasuke, shut up." He laid a few more punches into Sasuke's stomach and cut the string so his brother fall to the street. "BITE THE CURB BITCH!"

* * *

**Time: 8:00 P.M.  
Location: Akatsuki Base  
Mission: Not Die**

"You fucking did what?!"

"Lost the target. I blame Itachi's eye sight" Kisame said. The Uchiha was about to retort but all of a sudden a strong feeling passed over him. "Oh yeeeaaahhh. Daddy likes that" he moaned.

Pein looked at Itachi's blank face and smiled. "See he knows what he did wrong."

"I don't give a **F**uck!"

"So what are you gonna do to us now" Kisame asked fearfully.

"Well, I guess you made too much of a ruckus so I'm going to send you after something a little less challenging."

Kisame thanked his diety and wondered what it was.

"Your going to get us food."

"Yeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssss" hissed Itachi. "Sounds so fucking amazing."

"Itachi, are you stoned or something?"

"Yeeeeeeeeesssssssssssss! Thank you!"

* * *

**I laughed my ass off. I don't give a fuck if you did or didn't. Flame me, love me whatever haha. AND I'M GONNA SAY THIS. IF YOU DIDN'T LAUGH AT THE FUCKING HINATA THING, YOU ARE DEAD TO ME. DEAD. I RE-READ THAT AND IT WAS GOD DAMN GENIUS!**

**DUECES!  
bLOOd rAIn**


	13. The Grocery Store, and Tobi

**Haha Apprently you people are just insane as me haha. Thank you xzavx, Firewolf025, and Bluewolf963 for reviewing last chapter. You know what I thank all you crazy ass people HAHAHA As Bluewolf pointed out this story has been up for two years now and I'll be honest, it's only here to make you assholes laugh haha. Or to get a chuckle out of me. Either way, randomly just poof good idea. haha**

**As for how I came up with the 12 year old Hybrid Bitch as I call it now, I have no idea. I just all of a sudden popped into my head and I was like yeeeeeessssssssss! And for Hinata......we all know she does that anyway. That coat of hers just holds up her neck. She's got stains all over her damn walls haha!**

**Alright enough of that. In this chapter, I'm going to put in some very fucked up shit. So even if you don't get offended easily you still may get very offended by situations you may have had in your life. I'm warning you right now. And this will be the only time because really I don't give a FUCK! That it my public service announcement, hey kids smoke this!**

**Now I want you all to give me more ideas of how to bash characters horribly. Just say fuck it, you know you want me to fuck with your favorite people haha cause I do it epic-ly. ONWARD!**

"Itachi? Hey Itachi?"

"No" said our stoic antagonist as he stared at the isle ahead of him. His hands gripped his camera as he slowly crept forward. "What? This isn't a yes or no question."

"Maybe then" Itachi said as he jumped away from the cereal box near him and threw a kunai into it. "NOT TODAY YOU FUCKING RABBIT!" There was a wail from down the isle that caused Itachi to jump again, flinging another kunai, the crying stopped immediatly.

"Kisame we need to leave" Itachi said pulling his partners robes with a horrified face. Kisame rolled his eyes and looked on the side of a cereal box at the nutritional facts. "What the hells wrong with you?"

"I'm not having a good trip man. The cereal place is just making it worse."

"That's what you said about the produce section. We can't leave yet, that new guy Tobi wanted some cereal and that guys kind of a creeper so I don't want to get on his bad side."

Itachi groaned and looked at the ceiling, narrowing his eyes he mumbled something I couldn't understand. His lips looked like he said something like, "Gonna eat your throat." Itachi looked through the view finder of his camera and looked up. 'Am I inside the camera or is this real? This is fucked, I've never been this high before, Damn that author, damn him to Hell.'

"Hey you two!" Both Akatsuki members looked up and saw a security guard running toward them. Kisame slapped his face wondering what his partner did. He saw a woman crying by the other end of the aisle and there was some red stuff on the floor. "Oh Fuck, Itachi! What the hell did you do?"

"I did the world a favor" the man answered as the security guard made it to them. "Do you guys realize what you've done" the security guard asked. Itachi laughed inside his mouth but held it in. The secuirty guard looked hilarious mad, his face was all puffy and red. "Well" started Kisame but something red and wet hit the ground between them. They looked down and saw a torso that was squirting blood out of where the head, arms, and legs should have been. Both men peered around the frozen security guard and paled. Where the woman used to be standing was now their new worst enemy. The Hybrid Bitch, and it had gotten bigger.

"SonovaBitch!" The beast roared and jumped into the air. Kisame threw the guard to the side while Itachi pulled his Javelin out of his robes. The beast hit the ground and the shockwave send them flying down the cereal aisle. They skidded to a halt, and Kisame drew his Samehada. "Let's do this!"

Itachi nodded and put a pair of sunglasses on. The beast tore the security guard apart and it made Itachi smirk. One less problem to worry about. "Do you have room to fire that thing?"

"Nope" Itachi said with a sick grin. "But I'm going to anyway!" He reached into his robes and produced something Kisame hadn't seen in awhile.

"It's perfect" the blue man exclaimed. Itachi slid the projectile into the tube just as the beast finished devouring the guard. "It's over" Kisame said.

"For Lucky Charms" Itachi said as he pulled the trigger. Smoke shot out of the back and the _Itachi a Go-Go_ shoe flew out of the canister and headed for the beast at impossible speeds. The Hybrid Bitch jumped out of the way and shoe shot past, only it spun around like boomerang. Both Kisame and Itachi looked at eachother before running. The resulting explosion was going to imense.

People were running for the exits but Itachi was pushing them back and tripping a few. He felt the explosion on his back and he was pushed to the floor. He saw the shoe fly over head and cut through a crowd of people. It went out of the front sliding doors of the store and into the sky. Itachi got to his feet and saw Kisame throwing down the person he used as a human shield from the blast.

"It's going to be making another pass, we're not safe here."

Kisame nodded and they both ran out of the front door, just as black van with a red cloud on the side pulled around the corner. The door slid open and they jumped in so it didn't have to stop. "Do you two have to fuck everything up" asked a furious Konan.

"What did we do" Kisame asked. "Its a fucking wal-mart, they're used to that kinda shit in there. I mean the last time we were in there Hidan shit all over the damn floor. This is no diffrent, just the shit is people and a Hybrid Bitch."

"Well its a good thing we had Tobi do the shopping earlier today because we knew you two would fuck it up" Pein said behind the wheel. The two looked to the back of the van and saw Tobi polishing a custom AK-47. "The fuck you two looking at? Tobi's a fucking good boy."

"Yes sir" Kisame said quickly as the man slapped a loaded clip into the assualt rifle. He opened the side of the van and started to fire into the people on the side walk.

"See, now thats and Akatsuki member. Mayhem and pandamonium!" Pein laughed and tossed a grenade out of the window. It lodged itself into the windshield of a parked car and it exploded. "Yeah! MAYHEM AND PANDAMONIUM!" Konan shut her eyes and groaned. "Why do I associate with you people?"

* * *

"Well, whats for desert" Deidara asked after dinner. The van had stopped at Taco bell because Tobi was a good boy and he threatened them with the AK if they didn't stop. Pein was all for it.

"Ice cream sounds awesome" Tobi said.

"But it's so-"

The sound a bullet being chambered was heard and Deidara gulped. "Tobi said he wants some fucking ice cream!"

Itachi rolled his eyes and reached into his pocket to pull out his pipe but he realized it was gone. After a moment of panic, he remembered the J in his left pocket so he pulled that out and a lighter. Just as he lit it, someone bumped his arm and it fel into his drink. He was silent for a moment then looked at the sky. "Damn you" he whispered. "You cant just let me be happy?!"

Nope.

"So Itachi, How did the shoe work?"

"Too good" Itachi said. "But _Itachi a Go-Go_ shoes will always prevail!"

"I know" Hidan said with a laugh. "It was fucking awesome. I could see the fucking explosion all the way back here from you cum stains. It was fucking Metal!"

"Let's not talk about cum stains please" Kisame said, remembering the Hyuuga girl.

"Aw, got a little skeleton in your closet fish boy?"

"No, man, too soon." Itachi nodded and put his hand on his partners shoulder. "It's ok, I've booked us therapy sessions for Monday. No man should have had to see that and I'm glad that if I had to have seen it, it was with you."

"Bro moment" Kisame exclaimed and hugged Itachi. Tobi shook his head and set his own sundae down. "Fucking fags" he said as he put pink sprinkles on his whip cream. Who knew that even though your putting pink sprinkles on fucking ice cream, if your holding a desert eagle your still a badass. "Nobody messes with Tobi" he growled at me.

Yes sir

* * *

**Alright I really don't know what came over me and this chapter. I wanted to include the Hybrid Bitch in one more time. **

**I also wanted to make Tobi a fucking badass mother fucker.**

**So whatever, review DO IT!**

**DUECES!  
BLOOD MOTHER FUCKING RAIN**


	14. Saving Sasuke: Nazi Zombie Beawrs

**Well I tell you guys what. xzavx gave me a great idea. I'm stealing this idea from myself and a friend. And I'm gonna update this alot sooner cause the badass Tobi is plaguing my mind. He's virtually raping it. He's going to have lots of guns, idk why so don't question it, it just sounds awesome. So here we go I wont really talk ONWARD! Hm, I haven't gotten any views from Hiati the last couple weeks....I wonder why?**

Itachi stood outside of the Akatsuki base, which upgraded from a tree house to a small town home, and video taped Kisame and Hidan wrestling eachother over the remote control for the tv. He sighed and shut the view finder. 'I'm just so bored' he thought. Nothing interesting had happened in the last couple days. Unless you count Tobi basically making everyone but himself, Pein, Hidan, and suprisingly Sasori, not piss themselves.

Itachi stood up and walked into the home and sat on the couch. He heard a door open and shut. The sound of a couple girls laughing were heard. "Was Tobi a good boy?"

"Tobi was great" one girl purred.

"Call us again sometime you big mother fucker" said the second. Itachi's eyes widened when Konoha shinobi, Anko and Kurenai walked around the corner and saw him. Anko's eyes narrowed but she kept moving, dragging Kurenai along with her. A moment later, a shirtless Tobi walked around the corner without his mask on. Itachi was the only one allowed to see him in such a condition do to his secret identity. A cigarette was hanging out of his mouth and he leaned on the wall.

"Yeah, you wish you could do that."

"....Anko not so much."

"Oh but she's sooo kinky" Tobi quipped and took a drag of his cigarette. "By the way, Orochimaru got a hold of Sasuke."

Itachi's eyes shot open and he looked at the man. "How did that child raper do that?"

"Ah, that's the funny part. Sasuke went willingly."

"NOOOOO! I REFUSE TO ACCEPT MY BROTHERS A FAG!"

"No, no, no. He was promised candy I'm sure. I'm sure he was. It's plausible."

Itachi burried his face in his hands and his Mang-twislergan flared to life. "We're going to get him back. Whether the author wants us to or not. We. Will. Prevail."

* * *

The Akatsuki mobile whipped around the corner, going on two wheels. The side door slid open and Tobi peered out. "There it is! Sound Base! Let's kill these Bitches!"

"Yeah" Pein said in the back with five other bodies. "Ruckus's and chaos!!!"

Hidan smirked and pulled his sythe off his back. "Operation: Fucking Death to the child man freak is a go! Let's do this shit fuckers!" Konan whipped the van around and the ass end smashed into the gate, allowing them all to jump out. "Akatsuki invasion" yelled a guard but Tobi shot him in the face! The guard ran around like a chicken, trying to clutch his missing head while his tongue flailed around. "NOBODY FUCKS WITH TOBI!" He unleashed a torrent of bullets into oncoming shinobi, cutting their numbers significantly. Itachi bent down and unlatched his shoe, with one good kick, the shoe went flying.

"We have support from the Go-Go shoe! Everyone push forward" yelled Pein. They heard a click as Tobi ran out of ammo for his RPD but he ripped off his cloak to reveal that he was covered with bands of ammunition. They fought in the courtyard for about five hours, tearing the Sounds numbers down to a dwindiling few.

"Wait a second" Hidan said shaking his head, trying to clear it from the narcotics. "Why are we at a childrens hospital?!"

They all looked around and saw they were still in the middle of the city. "Ooo" Kisame said as he slowly backed up towards the van. No wonder they weren't really being attacked.

"Alright, that is the last time we take Acid before an invasion" Pein said. "The results are not good. Not good at all. But the chaos was nice though and the HOLY SHIT! THOSE KIDS ARE FEASTING THE DEAD ONES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD!" They all turned around and saw that a few children were eating the deceased, bullet ridden corpses. "Your animals! ANIMALS I SAY! YOU ALL DESERVE TO DIE!"

Pein was about to attack but Tobi held his arm up. "There's only one explination for this. I've seen this once before. BOO-BOO! I KNOW YOUR HERE!"

"Who the fuck is Boo-Boo" asked Hidan. Tobi looked at him and he gasped. Behind Hidan was Tobi's greatest enemy. NAZI ZOMBIE BEAWRS! "SHIT HIDAN BEHIND YOU!" The immortal had no chance as the nazi zombie beawrs claws went through the soft flesh making the Jashinist scream. "Dear Jashin! Why have you foresaken me!?"

The beawr tore Hidan's head off and held it up, giving a roar of victory, he set the head in his mouth and chomped down. "HIDAN NOOOO! TOBI WILL AVENGE YOU!"

"FUCK YOU IDIOT!" they heard from inside the beawr. Itachi looked around and groaned. They were surrounded by these horrible zombie beawrs dressed in SS uniforms.

'What the fuck is that author smoking!'

"Hey Tobi, I didn't think we'd ever meet again."

The Akatsuki whipped around and saw a little bear dressed as Hitler. He even had the small tiny mustache. He stood about three feet high and he had an evil smirk on his face. "I was sure you perished along with Yogi but I guess I underestimated you."

"Your going to die for the death of my partner" Tobi growled, pulling the loader on his RPD.

"I'm afraid that's out of the question" Boo-Boo said. "World domination is key at the moment and we will have victory." Itachi gulped and looked around. More beawrs were showing up by the second, they were outnumbered and out classed.

"Tobi will never fucking die! Death to the beawr Fueher!" he yelled raising his weapon and started to unload on the beawrs around him. Itachi hoped the support shoe would come in handy. It was loaded with AGM's of course.

* * *

Tobi crawled out of the pile of dead Nazi Zombie Beawrs and brushed himself off. He took a deep breath and looked to the sky. 'After fifty years, it is done. You have been avenged Yogi....Hidan.'

"That was fucking epic" Kisame yelled, trying to hold his intestines inside of himself. He didn't look like he was in pain, but he was very excited. "I've never seen such carnage! I feel sorry for anyone who missed that!"

Itachi cut his way out of the stomach of a beawr and stood up. Blood cascaded down him as he had to wring out his hair. "Fucking author, coming up with some of the most weirdest shit to throw at me. That guy needs to go fuck himself." He raised his hand into the air, and his shoe landed in his palm a moment later. The Uchiha chuckled as they made their way back to the van. Pein was leaning against it with Konan, both covered head to toe in blood. "You guys gonna fuck like that" Kisame said sarcastically.

"Already did" Pein said with a grin.

"Then Tobi feels sorry for you. Lasting five minutes, pf!"

Dejected and pwned, Pein said nothing as he crawled into the van. "Let's get out of here, theres a kid we need to save from the clutches of a mad man."

Itachi looked at Kisame and back out of the window to the childrens hospital. "These deaths will be meaningless unless we save him Kisame."

"They're meaningless anyway."

"Your right, whatever, I don't give a FUCK!"

* * *

**Haha that's all I got to say. My favorite chapter by far becasue I had my NAZI ZOMBIE BEAWRS! haha I love what I've done to Tobi also, he's so fun to write now. **

**Well, have fun with this, chew it for awhile.  
Blood Rain**


	15. I can't decide what to name this one

**Hello fuckers, back again with another pointless rambling. Now, this chapter will contain something so horrible that this is the only story you'll find this found in a comedic fashion. Its terrible and will be considered offensive to normies. It is not rape, it is not mur...well kinda. But if your the kind who is offended easily or even has morals. Please skip to the next chapter after Kabuto's enterance. And I'm just saying I felt bad enough about this scene to write a warning to you all...but I laughed. ONWARD TO KILLING! AND STONER LIFE TALKS!**

* * *

Pein stood at the counter, staring down the man behind the register. It was an epic struggle of words that Pein didn't possess at the moment. "A donut sir?"

The leader blinked. "Uh...yeah...like a big donut..."

"A big donut sir?" The man behind the counter was getting restless, it was unsettling for the poor man. They hadn't even gotten to the money portion yet.

"Yeah..uh.. like a pretty big donut" Pein said, imitating the size he wanted with his fingers.

Itachi was standing in the back of the donut shop looking out into the wasteland they had entered. For some reason this small strip mall was in the middle of the desert. His mind was filled with many thoughts regarding the last few days. He looked at the group and wondered how they got anything done. First off, they were completely off cannon. Itachi knew none of this should be real but that just came to his other problem. The author. That bastard just kept him alive to toy with him more and more. He was suppose to be hunting the nine-tails right now with Kisame. Both serious killing machines and excellent ninja's. Now they were stoners, albeit powerful stoners, and they were trying to save Sasuke. And that little fucker was the one who dragged them into this goosechase that got Hidan killed.

'Is he dead' Itachi thought in wonder. 'Is he being slowly digested by a dead beawr?'

Nah, he was going to pop up sooner or later. The author's just like that. Throwing curve balls at ever turn.

Itachi felt something tug on his pants, jerking him back into reality and his high. He heard Pein and the register man laughing uncontrolably, which really creeped him out. But he looked down at the source of the pants tug and saw a little blond girl. She was cute, had pig-tails, and pink overalls. In his head, Itachi smiled. She would be safe. She's not Orochimaru's type.

"Mister! You should try the nut filled hole" she beamed and bounced off into the crowd and disappeared, leaving Itachi, staring at the space she occupied. "What on earth did she just fucking say to me?"

It was a bad donut innuendo. Did the little girl know what she was talking about? Itachi sat in the donut parlors seat and took a deep breath. In the seat across from him, Tobi sat down with his mask cocked to the side, eating a beawr claw. "You should probably eat" Tobi said. "Your lack of food is going to play tricks on your head."

"And the drugs aren't" Itachi asked. "Let me ask you something. You know were off cannon, correct?"

"Yeah."

"Have you ever stopped to ask yourself why?"

Tobi thought about it for a minute and looked Itachi dead in the eye. "Is this another one of those "why are we here" talks?"

"No" Itachi said, shooting the idea down. "I mean, why has the author of this story, if we can even call it a story done this to us? I'm sure your kinda concerned. Your not playing to part your suppose to play."

"Not really" Tobi said. "Tobi's having a fucking blast. I mean yeah, he's turned the organization into a farce. Made us all stoners but hey we're still getting shit done. It's not like we're doing hard drugs like crack or whatever. And besides, in the end, it could all possibley work out."

"You really think that?"

"Fuck no. We're probably going to die in some epic crazy event but! We're going to go out with a smile on our faces, you know why? CAUSE ITS FUCKING AWESOME!"

Before Itachi could say anything, along disappeared Kakuzu sat down next to them with a coffee and powdered sugar donut. "You guys having one of those long drawn out stoned conversations about life?"

"Something like that" Itachi said and put his head on the table. "So your saying just to roll with it?"

"No" Tobi said. "Just keep doing what your doing, your funny. Whip out your camera and do some crazy shit. You'll get to the author soon enough."

'Damn right I will!'

"Holy shit" Kakuzu whispered. Itachi quickly looked up and followed the mans gaze. In the parking lot of the desert stripmall was a familiar head of white hair. "Kabuto?"

"Tobi says nab that mother fucker!" The three lept up from the table and ran outside. Said ninja was walking to an old rusted cadillac, carrying alter boy outfits that Orochimaru needed try cleaned, when he was tackled to the ground.

"No, I told your manager those weren't cum stains" he yelled, trying to force the people off him. A hand grabbed a fist full of his hair pulled him up until he was eye to eye with the Mang-twislergan. Soon he decended into a donut hell where his insides were emptied out and he was turned into a human donut to be eated by a real donut that was inturn eaten by Itachi who was watching Kabuto act in the manner as if he was just eaten by the donut that Itachi was eating...get that? Ok people...COMEDY!

Kabuto slipped into consiousness when he realized there was immense pain in the palms of his hands. His eyes opened wide when he remembered seeing the fear Mang-twislergan of Itachi and he found himself impaled to the Akatsuki's signature van. There were kunai in his palms keeping him in place and a camera in his face.

"So when did Orochimaru become a catholic priest, Kabuto? I figured he was more of the Neverland ranch kinda guy" came Itachi's voice from behind the camera. "I mean the alter boy concept is new, I never thought my brother would be down for it, but it looks a little big."

Kabuto smirked, "It's not Sasuke-kun who wears the outfit."

"Ooooo" Kisame said in the back. Kabuto shifted his attention to behind the camera and saw the rest of the group massed together. All of them were passing a bong to eachother and bottles of alcohol were nearing empty. "You know if they keep drinking like that someones going to the hospital" Kabuto quipped, as if he had the upper hand. Deidara stummbled forward with a large pistol in his hand and with a crooked grin fired. The bullet went through the passenger window making Itachi jumped off the side. "DEIDARA! WHAT THE FUCK! I SAID AFTER I MOVE!"

"Ithou you saaa" Deidara started but he lost is train of thought before he passed the pistol to Tobi.

"What the bimbo was...trying to say was that he thought you that...FIRE!" Tobi jerked the pistol up and fired a shot that went right by Kabuto's left ear, making the man cringe from the heated metal. "FUCK" roared Tobi. "TOBI WAS SOOO FUCKING CLOSE!"

"As you can see" Itachi said, waving his cohort down for a moment. "We are so inebriated that we don't wanna search for my brother! We want you to tell us where he is and we're going to shoot at you while we're fucked up and getting worse until you talk...yeah I just said all that while smoking."

"I'm sorry but I can't say. I wish I could be of more help."

"Kisame!"

"Oh boy its my turn!"

"Look he's so excited" Itachi said filming the blue man. Who was holding the pistol with two hands, the gun was steady and straight ahead of his body. But his body was moving all over the place. It was as if the shaking in his hands moved up and was physically moving his body. With his large smile, he looked like a lunatic who had lost his mind...again. "He's like a kid seeing a naked chick for the first time."

"I didn't act like that" Sasori said. "Yes, I'm still alive people, HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW! Anyway, the first naked lady I seen, I banged the shit out of her!"

"Your mom doesn't count" Tobi said calmly. Kisame laughed, causing him to pull the trigger and his shot went high into the air.

"You see why I'm not concerned" Kabuto said. "They can't hit shit, and I'll be out of this soon enough."

Itachi smirked as more bullets came toward Kabuto, some came close but others were all over the place and Kabuto wasn't talking. "Ok, I'll bite" Itachi said. "How do you think you'll get out of this?"

The white haired man smiled and then began to choke. It sounded like he was coughing up a lung. He lowered his head and started to chuckle. When he raised his head, there was a pressure detonator in his mouth. "Oh shit" Itachi said.

"Oh es" Kabuto said, but it couldn't come out right with his mouth holding down the button. "En I et co, ou ill av en econ e-or e odes." (yeah I acutally mouthed this like i was holding something with my teeth. So it's accurate. Don't laugh.)

"You must be used to talking with your mouthful" Itachi said sending a quick glance my way.

Touche, Itachi. But I'm still ahead, I know what he said.

Kabuto chuckled before the small squeaky sound hit Itachi's ears. That soft little voice that creeped him out earlier. "Does anyone want to try a nut filled hole" yelled the small little girl as she approached.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me" Itachi said looking at the detonator to the little girl and back again. It was then Itachi realized what he said. "When I let go, you will have ten seconds before she explodes."

Itachi turned his head toward Kabuto, who popped the detonator further into his mouth. The Uchiha lurched forward and tried to pry it from his mouth but there was no budge. The girl was within a football fields distance and closing. Itachi fought with all his might to tear Kabuto's mouth open but nothing was working. It wasn't until a large boom was heard and Kabuto opened his mouth and screamed. The detonator popped out of his mouth and activated the explosive countdown. The Uchiha looked at the little girl and he wasted no time to throw the detonator far away, grab his pals and run.

Back at the donut shop, a mother and father were running around the desert parking lot in a panic. They're daughter had gone missing! She was eating all those nut filled holes and was getting so hyper she just took off. They looked in cars, other shops, but they just couldn't find they're precious little daughter. The father rubbed the back of his head and looked around with teary eyes. Across the highway in a deserted field, he saw a black van, with people around it. And heading in they're direction was a little dot of pink. He grabbed his wife and they started to run for the pink dot. They reached the edge of the road and they could see the people heading quickly in the opposite direction. They had no chance when suddenly they were blasted off they're feet like rag dolls. They flew back and slammed through the donut shop. People screamed as they were incinerated by the near atomic blast. The last thing the parents saw was...do I really want to finish? I'm even feeling bad about this. HOW CAN YOU PEOPLE READ THIS SHIT ITS HORRIBLE! ITS FUCKED! WHY DO YOU PEOPLE LISTEN TO ME?

* * *

The last thing the parents saw was a mushroom cloud and the head of their five year old daughter come rolling at they're feet before the shockwave came through. Crushing them, and the heat reduced to nothing but ash.

* * *

Luckily, Kisame was able to create a water prison around them so they could be protected from the intense heat. Where did he get the water? They had drank probably ten bottles of liquor, where do you think? The second the water barrier was down Konan stomped up to Itachi and slapped him in the face. "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING? YOU THREW THE DETONATOR?

"I'm sorry" Itachi pleaded. "I had a moment of panic! I panicked man! I panicked!"

Suddenly, something envoloped him in a big hug and he looked down to see blue hair clutching his chest. "THANK YOU! SWEET MERCIFUL GOD THANK YOU!" screamed Kisame! "That was so awesome!"

"Come on" said Pein, "We got to find some wheels and find Orochimaru before Sasuke can play church again."

The group shot off, leaving Kakuzu alone in the middle of the desert. Now he turns his attention to the sky. "Am I the only one whose going to go through life wondering how a bomb that size fit inside such a small child?" His answer? A peice of pink overall flutters down from the sky and settles in his palm. He sighs and clutches it.

'Wait this thing could be radioactive!' He quickly drops the reamnents and hurries off, forgetting the whole event happened.

* * *

**Well I warned you, you kept reading. I don't know if it made you laugh, offend your or no but I laughed. Then again I didn't think this chapter was really funny. It's your choice review, hate me, whatever. Next time they find Orochimaru's base :D**

**Till next time  
Blood Rain**


	16. I have no idea where this is going

**GODS OF WAAAAAR!**

"Jesus God!"

"Kisame, quit screaming and keep firing" Tobi yelled as his M16 ran out of ammo. The clip dropped out and he replaced it with lighting speed. The sound zombie was on him but he quickly shoved a kunai through it's head. He looked around and saw that they were failing. Millions of zombies surrounded them. "Keep fucking shooting!"

Itachi looked into his camera and gulped. "I apologize for everything evil I've done in my life, like robbing that BP and take my grandmother for granted with her cookies. Just please if I don't make it out of here- GOD DAMN! DIE UNDEAD SCUM!"

Itachi held up two gold plated .45's and started firing as if they were automatics. "I'm out!"

Konan grabbed two magazines of hers and threw them at his location. Itachi spun, kicking the heads off two of the zombies. He held the pistols out and the clips slid right in so he could continue firing. "How many countries did Orochimaru infect" shouted Pein. "We can't hold them off much longer!" They were now fighting in the main lobby of an office building that was closed on three sides. The only way in was the front entrance. They had been fighting non-stop for almost five days. When chakra wasn't helping they switched to Tobi's way of doing things.

"When is this going to end" screamed Sasori. It was becoming hard to move because the shell casings were almost up to their ankles. Everytime the zombie bodies piled up the "live" ones just ate their way through. Tobi yelled out a battle cry and shoved the barrel of his weapon in a kneeling zombie and unloaded a full clip into it. Blood sprayed everywhere behind it and all over his mask. The door to the stairs burst open and Deidara came running out. "A helicopter is landing on the roof! Pull back!"

Tobi grinned and pulled out two grenades and pulled the pins. He ran toward the door and tossed them back. They exploded just as the stairs door closed. Itachi smiled when he saw a sea of red flow over the window. "Don't stop" Kisame huffed as he tried to make it up the stairs. "Keep running up all the stairs! All of them! FUCK THERE HAS TO BE A THOUSAND!"

"Man up and hump that shit" Kakuzu said.

The enemy were coming up the stairs now, quickly. "Load the ammo on the heavy hitters and keep moving up the stairs" Tobi yelled. "Everyone else fire!" Kisame, Kakuzu, and Pein carried all the ammo up the stairs as the rest of them fired down the grotesque mob of undead. Itachi filmed the majority of it. Tobi's mad laughter as he unloaded into the crowd. Deidara dropping C4 below them and detonating it. Tobi grabbed the camera and ran up the stairs with it shouting. "The hardest part about a zombie apocolyspe is pretending Tobi's not fucking excited!" He tossed the camera back to Itachi and Tobi yelled firing his M16 one handed, firing a pistol in the other.

The zombies were keeping pace and their moans and yells echoed through the tiny stairwell. Itachi sent the others ahead while Tobi and he stayed to fend off the rest so they could get the helicopter loaded. "How did this fucking happen" yelled our anti-protagonist. Tobi shrugged and kept firing.

"I would blame your author theory but this is just too much fun to complain. It's better than childrens hospital we slaughtered."

They ran back up the stairs just as Runners started to jump up the stairwell. Tobi busted through the door and saw that everyone else was gone along with the helicopter. "They fucking left us!" He was tackled to the ground just as a giant something smashed into the ground where he was. He looked up and saw the most horrifying creature. It was easily 20 feet tall and looked like the bodies of children formed together.

"What the hell is that!"

"12 year old hybrid bitch" Itachi said pulling him up.

"You mean you weren't shitting me? That things fucking real?"

They heard a roar and bullets started to rip the monster to pieces quickly. They turned and saw Kisame on the chaingun of a helicopter, shouting something. Both Tobi and Itachi started to run toward the helicopter as the Runners busted out of the stairwell. Hundreds of super fast running zombies tore the ground apart to get to them. In an epic slow-mo, bullet's whizzed by their faces as Kisame tore into the undead horde. The building was suddenly hit with missiles from an unknown source and the chunk of building they were running on started to fall away. The zombies were almost on them and the building was falling apart, cue more epic music. SANTUS DOMINUS! BUMP BU BUMP BU! SANTUS DOMINUS! idk...just roll with whatever epic music you got. I had metal.

Both men jumped into the air and grabbed the feet of the helicopter just as the building fell into the streets below. Runners that were in the air managed to tear off their Akatsuki cloaks but they were otherwise safe. Kakuzu and Kisame lifted them into the helicopter and it started to fly away. There was silence for a moment before Konan broke the silence. "So...what was up with that missile? It like came out of no where."

"Let's just focus on the task at hand" Itachi said.

"You still want to go after your brother after all of that" Pein asked. Itachi nodded as he watched another missile hit the city and it was taken out in a tactical nuclear explosion. "No one will ever know."

"Except us" said Tobi. "Except us."

The helicopter landed and dropped them off in a forest, leaving them to do their thing. Itachi was about to relax when he heard the words of Lucifer. "Believe it! Believe It! Believe it! BElIeVe iT! TI EVEILEB! ER0-SENNIN, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHAT AM I BELIEVING?"

"Everyone take cover" said Pein. "We don't have the energy..(FUCKING BELIEVE IT!) or the patience to deal with this now." They all dove into the bushes and watched the two pass them. Uzumaki looked frazzled, like his universe didn't make any sense to him. Itachi could sympathize but something was off. He seemed older, alot older. After they were gone, he quickly turned to his cohort.

"How long have we been looking for Sasuke?"

"A week or so, why?"

Itachi shook his head. "That's impossible! When we went to look for Sasuke, he was 12 like Uzumaki! But that blond headed fuck has to be at least 16 by now. Did you see him?"

Pein went to take out his cell phone but found it crushed. "When the fuck did that happen?" He pried it apart and found that it had been hollowed out and found a whole stash of pills and a vial of liquid. "Ok, where did these come from?"

"I don't know" said Kisame, "but I know where they're going." He was practically drooling. Itachi took out his beat up camera and rewound the tape. Everyone gathered around as they watched.

**ON THE TAPE**

"Hey Itachi!" The camera turned to wide eyed Pein and you got a good landscape of the desert. "Check this out!" Pein stood there for a second before Itachi's voice came on. "What are you doing?"

"I'm moving my bones inside of my skin without making it move!"

"Uh huh? What are you on?" Pein started to count then he stopped and looked into the camera. "I think it would be easier to count what I'm not on."

The camera flashed and it was chaotic. Someone was running with it in the dark then they tripped. The camera looked down and a clawed hand grabbed their foot. A large desert eagle appeared and the night vision flared to life. A giant man like wolf was dragging him away.

"Die hellish hound" roared Itachi's voice as he fired into the beasts skull. The camera went dead again before it came back on to Deidara fixing his hair and Kisame next to him doing the same. "So I said to her, like no way, I wanted to kiss bobby first!" Kisame's face fell and he moved away from the blond.

The camera flashed to life again and Konan was holding the camera infront of her face. She was nude and covered with blood. Kakuzu pushed her aside and started to yell. "Dude that was the sickest shit I've ever seen! She just took off into the woods naked and came back an hour later dragging a fucking deer! She hunted the fucker and brought it -"

The camera went off and came back on to the same scene. Everyone was covered with blood, everyone looked pissed except for Konan and Pein who were fucking amoungst the carnage. Kakuzu sighed and looked at the camera. "then Deidara blew it up."

"I said I was sorry."

The camera back on once more and it was sitting on a ledge while Itachi stared into a mirror. "We've been looking for Sasuke for three years and we haven't found a trace of him. It seemed just like yesterday we had Kabuto in our grasp now, we have no idea where the fuck we are. For three years we've done nothing but wondered around and found ourselves in the weirdest shit holes imaginable."

The camera went to the zombies and Itachi flicked it off. "We've been looking for three years? Who the hell remembers it?"

Everyone looked at eachother and shook their heads. "We were probably stoned the entire fucking time" laughed Tobi. "Nothing in that camera says sober."

"We just wasted three years" Itachi said. "Seriously, I hate all of you." Then he turns to where he thinks I am. "And you... I will have my reven-"

* * *

**well everyone, that's all I got. Nothing too funny. I need to come up with some material. **

"FUCK YOU! YOUR NOT FUNNY! YOU SU-"

**So until the next time, read some of my other stuff.**

**Deuces,  
Blood Rain**

"STAY AWAY FROM HIM!"


	17. We're fucking back baby!

**Guess who's back mother fuckers. You ready for this? This is a years worth of bullshit rolled into a single fucking chapter. **

The camera opens up to white and slowly zooms out till there is a tiny mound of white powder. "Co-co-co-cocaine" Deidara yells as he dives into the pile. "Don't pussy out" says Itachi's voice off camera. Deidara's snortings sounds die out and he leans up trying to get the rest into his nose.

"Whole pile, mother fucker!"

_knock knock_

"Shit!" The door opens and Pein walks in. Deidara, Itachi, and Kisame are standing straight up and white powder is swirling in the air around them.

"Are you guys doing cocaine?"

"No" they said.

"We've gone clean and your in here doing coke" Pein says as he slaps his face.

"I love how you just instantly just jump to conclusions without asking us our side of the story" Kisame said.

"Ok fine, what's your story?"

"We-"

"Shut the fuck up" Pein yelled in Kisame's ear. "We have business."

Itachi rolls his eyes and they head down into the meeting room where everyone is seated.

"Alright now that we're all here" Pein said as he sits down at the end of the table. "As you all know we've been gone for a long time. A long time, like a year right?"

"And the author usually updated something like every week" Itachi chimed in. Everyone nodded.

"But have you ever had life kick you in the face? He had that happen and went insane for awhile."

"LSD is one helluva drug" Kakuzu said.

"Wrong it was work bitch!"

_knock knock _

"The fuck" Pein said as he went to the door. A delivery guy is at the door. "Package for Itachi."

The Uchiha turns around and his eyes quickly dilate. "Hey! What the fuck is this!"

"You have a delivery" he said. "New camera I think."

"No, no, no, you! Your the author!"

"Yeah... Just dropping off your order you cock."

"Somebody nab him! It's probably a bomb or some shit!"

"No It's a new camera dude. Chill the cuss out."

Pein slaps his face again and takes the package. He signs for it and I wink at Itachi before I leave. (Had to make a small cameo sorry, btw I'm not a delivery guy. I'm far more successful than that.)

Itachi takes his package and slowly opens it. Revealing a brand new 5D Mark III.

"Holy shit" Itachi says.

"Yo there's a note" Sasori said. Itachi pulls it off the box and reads, _this is for good behavior you cock._

"Now that the interruption is over" Pein said. "We need to discuss the next plan of action."

"Since we've wasted the last three years chasing Itachi's brother, we've let the Jinchuuriki get too old. Now there's are issue" Tobi said. "And the worst part is, this going clean bullshit is making us all extremely irritable."

"Think of it this way. If we stay clean we can end this soon. You know what happens when we start doing a lot of drugs" said Konan.

"So whats the new plan" asked Hidan.

"Kill some teenagers" suggests Tobi.

"Well some of them" Pein said.

"How about this" Itachi cut in. "Let's just kill a shit ton of people, why ruin a good thing? Just now we'll be more focused and hopefully don't fall into horrific situations."

"Like zombies" said Zetsu.

"You weren't there" yelled Hidan.

"Yeah... The fuck where you" Pein asked.

"The fuck if I know."

"Anyway, so let's make a small short term goal list" Konan said.

"Kill a lot of people."

"Kill some kids."

"Record it all."

"Cocaine!"

"Let's all do some cocaine!"

**small update just wanted to get something out tonight. Can't wait for the welcome back.**


End file.
